Bittersweetness

I can't even begin to express my gratitude and appreciation, from the support you have all sent me through emails this week. It was, much, much needed. So, thank you.

After a week of getting settled, the move is finally done! There are still many boxes, things to be organized, and the apartment still isn't quite, 'bekah-fied' but it will get there. With time.

The last few days, I have realized a few things about myself. And although, this week has been somewhat of a painful process. From packing up my room in Doylestown, looking through the hundreds, literally, hundreds of 'get-well' cards, sorting through the lymphoma books I've collected the last two years... To, unpacking old pictures, lovely furniture, and a new life into my perfect one-bedroom apartment, in Boston. All in all, it has been an emotional process.

To say that the emotions after transplant, in addition to moving so soon after treatment are like a rollercoaster is certainly an understatement. In addition to this week being a huge moving week, I was able to spend time with two of my - favorite - people in the world, Wullie and Veronica. Wullie and Veronica have been two of the most supportive individuals, throughout my transplant. Sending me words of support, calling, telling me I was strong enough, through this entire process, sending pictures, and even as far as giving me my very own star, in the night sky. To see these two individuals face to face, was bittersweet, knowing the history that the three of us have traveled through in the transplant world. Once again, there is an unspoken bond between survivors, that I could never explain. But being in the presence of this amazingly stunning couple, made me feel understood. Made me feel, like bekah.

Anyway! You mesh all that together, plus some job interviews, catching up with tons of friends, and attempting to adjust as fast as possible to move, I will admit I have never wanted to cry and smile so much at the same time. I am so happy, yet so overwhelmed at the same time. But, I've realized over the last two years. That these emotions are not wrong, or inappropriate in any way. Before cancer, it was understood that nothing was worth crying about. That a smile is needed twenty-four-seven. That you block out your fears and anxiety.

But now, I've decided, that this, all of this, is reality. That seeing Wullie and Veronica (and John and Kelly!), moving, interviewing, putting one foot in front of the other, is something that tugs at my heart, in a painful and beautiful way. I once again, have the choice... I can either ignore my feelings and emotions, or work through them. And this time, I choose to work through them, embrace them, hold them, and be proud of them.

With all of these emotions flying around, I have also made another choice, to close this chapter of my life, and this blog. Although I will be working, and allowing myself to feel, recover, and find my new normal in Boston.. I truly hope some of the information provided from the following months of treatment will be helpful to another survivor, at some point.

In addition, I will update one or two more times, as my day 100 is quickly approaching, and the PET scan, along with it, to share the results with everyone. And hopefully, with that last PET scan, we will all be able to close this section of my life, together.

Sending tons of Love,

Bekah