5:30 am

It's 5:30 am, in Boston. I shouldn't be up. But I am.

There was a post, in the past, in which I spoke of emotional baggage. During this three day process of moving, a part of me wishes, I could leave behind a piece of my luggage.

fear.

Once again, things are slowly falling into place for the fall.

loving friends in boston: check
apartment i love: check
job openings: check
me smiling for the first time in a long, time: check.

But this piece of baggage, is something I just am unable to shake. No one understands the work, emotionally, physically, and psychologically it takes to get to this point again. Believe it or not, this will be my third attempt to start my life over after college. And it is no easy feat. Trust me, I enjoy these things. I enjoy the high of sending out resumes and getting call backs. I enjoy, moving into a gorgeous new apartment. I enjoy my friends getting excited for me, because my eyebrows and eyelashes are in full bloom :) I enjoy it. But along with that happiness, with that thing in me -- that is life. Comes the anxiety, fear, and knowledge that it call all be ripped away in a matter of seconds.

Because it can. it has.

I forced myself to write about this, this morning. For a number of reasons. One, to once again show that once treatment is 'over,' you as a patient and survivor are not necessarily 'done,' with it. Two, my responses, when I have voiced my concern have been, 'it's different this time bek,' or 'they're positive they got it all, don't worry about it.' And I need to get more out. And three, I'm scared. Plain and simple.

I receive the keys to my apartment in a few hours,and it really should be a joyous occasion. But, something inside, is nagging at me. Not the part of me last year that said, 'the cancer is still in you...' More or less a part of me that is saying 'don't get too excited, at least, not yet.' I guess those are the feelings that are consuming me. It always seems, once I arrive at a very happy place in my life, things are ripped away. And so, this time, I fear, once I arrive there again... the pattern, the cycle will repeat itself.

I'm sure this seems silly, and obvious to others. 'Why can't she just get over it?' But after an initial kidney disease diagnosis in college, leaving two homes, two classrooms, and two lives recently because of cancer.. it's hard to just turn my shoulder. It's hard to work through.

Trust that there is a large part of me that wants to break out into song and dance, over the things that are happening in my life. But for now, I guess, I feel I must restrain myself in some way. I'm just hoping, I'll be able to exhale... at some point, soon.


<3 B

Day +65, Moving Day!

My lovely check up on Tuesday:

Doctor Nasta: So, we're moving into the sixties. How are you feeling?
Bekah: wonderful, good.
Dr. Nasta: And you're no longer homeless, you found a place in Boston?
Bekah: Yep, all ready to go.
Dr. Nasta: When are you leaving again?
Bekah: This weekend.
Dr. Nasta: (big smile) Alright Ms Furey, looks like nothin' is gonna stop you.
Go get 'em.

(3 month PET scan: July 29th)

and away she goes...

b!

Honey suckles

I write, everyday; however, I don't usually share it. This blog is for updates through treatment and recovery. And now those are coming to a close, as I prepare to move. But thought, I'd share my writing with you, today.

---
innocence. 7:34 pm.

I almost forgot how sweet Doylestown smelled in the summertime. Since last summer was filled with different scents, this, being the first time in a while. I have time to smell the honey suckles. Which brings me back to summers here, when I was younger, when I was naive and pure and incredibly ignorant of what was outside of this bubble. That I call home.

Memories of graduations, memories of being on the back deck with old, old friends. It was nice to think, that heartache revolved around a crush on a boy. That real destruction of our identity stemmed from a rumor through the hallways. That a final goodbye... really did not have anything 'final' about it. But would instead, be a temporary farewell.

I missed the smell last summer, as I was too focused on old treatments and being angry at the world. I didn't take the time to think about how young, I was at one point. Or how young, we all were. At one point. The summer nights we'd lay in the fresh cut grass, thinking how invincible we were. Me, armed with a light blue dress and curls. You, with arrogance and assurance that in the end, it'll all be okay.

I've been in different states and cities, most of my summers. But none have the smell of Doylestown, and the honey suckles we used to pick off the elementary school fences, so long ago.

And I realized tonight, how, for so long. I've strived to be an adult. To be responsible. To grow up. To keep moving. And yet, here I am, wishing that somehow. I could still slip on that small, blue summer dress.

--
Today I am grateful for: old, old friends. who still put me in my place.
Today I smile for: black raspberry water ice and eyebrows!

Today I miss: being thirteen

- B

You're moving too fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that...

My two week trip to Boston turned into a permanent move. The game plan had been that I would stay in Doylestown, PA, the rest of the summer and move in September. However, if you know me, when I am NOT medicated...You know, very well, I am unable to stay in this town very long.

Unfortunately, for me, Dtown has been a place I come to when I become ill. So, mentally it is hard to stay here when I am recovering. My life, my education, my professional contacts, my friends, my heart, is in Boston.

So, with that being said. I signed a lease. And will begin to move in; hopefully, towards the end of next week.

A lot of people have voiced, that this move is too soon. I am two months shy from being out of transplant. So around day +60ish. And for most people who have experienced, are about to experience a stem cell transplant, or who have cared for someone undergoing this treatment -- you have a right to think this is abnormal, or insane, or too much. And if you are a SCT warrior, recoving from transplant -- I must stress...This is not normal.

I guess when it comes down to it, I pride myself on -- being unique, abnormal, walk to the beat of my own drummer kinda gal :) And in this instance, it is true again. A lot of friends and family have stressed that I need to relax, not rush back to life, ect. ect. And, though I take all of this advice and guidance to heart. And truly appreciate all of your kind words. I do know, what is best for me.

Part of me, during this recovery time feels the poetic irony. That I feel stronger, and want more in life, after each illness, each obstacle, each hardship. I want to fight and bounce back harder, than the last. I want more of myself, of my friends, of my future. The harder the experience, the more I want to prove to myself, that I can still achieve and accomplish more than I, even imagined.

And the wants in me, churns my passion, which stirs energy, which in turn creates a path and the drive to move back to Boston. To leave behind not only the third illness, but the second, and the first, and the memories that came with all of them. A lot of people have asked, 'Are you sure you want to go back? So soon? Are you ready?'

So am I?

I've even been told that I should take this third disease, this hit, as a sign. That maybe I should stay in my small hometown, find a job here, and settle.

For some, who experience transplant, this is a viable option. But, not for me. My world is in Boston, my future students are in Boston, my dearest friends are in Boston, my masters degree is in Boston. My life, that I've been patiently waiting for... is in Boston.

So while other's are saying, 'Bek, you're moving too fast.'

My response is -- Honey, I should be there, already.

So sit tight loves, I will be fine. And although, some of you feel this is too soon. Too much, too quick, too overwhelming. It's just right for me. And in the end, that's all that really matters.

Here's to a new future,
Here's to a new life.
L'chiam!

- B

Trough

There is a trough in waves,
a low spot
where horizon disappears
and only sky
and water
are our company.

And there we lose our way
unless
we rest, knowing the wave will bring us
to its crest again.

There we may drown
if we let fear
hold us within its grip and shake us
side to side
and leave us flailing, torn, disoriented.

But if we rest there
in the trough
in silence,
being with
the low part of the wave,
keeping our energy and
noticing the shape of things
the flow,
then time alone
will bring us to another
place
where we can see
horizon, see the land again,
regain our sense
of where
we are,

and where we need to swim.

- Judy Brown


Packing. Organizing. Moving.
Residing in Boston, for good, July 1st.

<3 B

I think I'll go to Boston..

Cancer Warrior Updates:

Before I begin rambling about myself. There are a few individuals I wanted to call attention upon. Some cancer warriors, to be proud of and send wonderful thoughts to.

My love, Michelle -- had her nine month post scan a few weeks ago. After undergoing eight months of chemo last year, she is still clean, more beautiful than ever, and just completed her first year of grad school!

My PA sweetheart Scott -- is undergoing an allo transplant this week. He received his cells last Friday, and is knocking down this treatment, one day at a time and doing an a=mazing job.

My SCT sista Darcy -- God love this woman, she's moved from Mexico to the US, to not only have one dose of chemo, but go through a stem cell transplant, like myself. Her re-birthday will be this weekend or early next week!

my sweet Darrel ;) -- who not only had clean scans on his one year mark of transplant, but just completed his first year of grad school, and a huge recital, all within the last few weeks. Have never been more proud of a friend in my life.

And, last but certainly not least, Wullie and his sidekick Veronica -- just received his one year post transplant scans, and his scans were completely clean as well. Who knew one year olds could be so cute?

I always feel so honored, to know I am in the company of these wonderful warriors. And, I definitely, don't say that enough.
------

So I think I'll go to ...Boston

After passing day +30, last week. I finally feel as though my energy level has skyrocketed into another dimension. And it's wonderful. So what else is there to do, when you have energy?

LIVE and go to the best city in the world...

I packed my bags last week, and drove the six hour hike up to Boston. To see all my beautiful friends and some past coworkers. A three day trip, has turned into seven days, the weather has been absolutely gorgeous. I've been filling up my days, with looking at apartments, soaking in the city in my old stomping grounds, and nights with the loveliest people in the world. And once again, I've fallen in love with this incredible city. Plus the celtics are about to beat the lakers for the championship -- what better time to be in Boston?

LOTS of things are still up in the air for the fall. Except, knowing that I'll be back here. Probably sooner, than most think. At this point, I'm halfway through my masters degree in Literacy (for Elementary Education) at Lesley University... which I'd love to finish within the next year. I am qualified for some part time positions in Boston School District (if I decide to continue on with disability), and am beginning to pursue full time teaching jobs in the district as well.

I have faith, that things will fall into place. And if they don't -- I'll make them :) I'll make it all work. Somehow. Emotionally, Physically, and even Financially. I'll make it work. For now though, I am incredibly happy that I have these issues to worry about instead of transplant, cancer, pills, chemo, and the world, I'm leaving behind for the second and hopefully last time.

Seems the clouds have finally parted, kids.
The sun is definitely here.

Bekah's back :)

<3 B