When you are caught in the cross fire of a chronic or terminal illness you are challenged by various relationship obstacles from family members, to best friends, old loves, and new partnerships. If you are surviving through a shorter term treatment of a year or two, I believe, as many should most hold everyone as close to their heart as possible, as we watch a few too many walk into the distance, mouthing the words "I can't do this," as we see their silhouette disappear.
Loss in general is a major theme in the world of the ill. And when you are like me, someone who has dealt with a deep-rooted family-loss at a young age, a loss of a parent and that parent's role. It almost feels as if every single loss in our lives is a bit more devastating than it should be. And as you (or I have been) reminiscing over past relationships, ones that have left you or that you have chosen to leave, you realize this is a central part of life. Things end. Love, friendship, occupations, life...
However, what I see most cancer patients do? And I realize only now, that I am guilty of as well. Is that we fear loss so much between our own mortality, loss of our future (jobs, loves, and life), that we tend to hold on to those in our lives who have decided to be present, but alas, might not be the most healthiest of people to surround ourselves with. We hold everyone close because we know so many walk away during the darker days. We hold the ones that put in just a tid-bit of energy, or because they have an important title, or because "we should, they stuck around for a, b, and c...'' We have these running excuses, we have reasons, and we keep them close -- even if these individuals hurt us, pull negative energy towards us, or take advantage of us in some way. We hold them close, because a small part of us see that they have not walked the other way because of the cancer.
My question over this last year however has been: Should we? Should we keep individuals close to us that have not overtly walked away that haven't directly and maliciously hurt us; however, they may not add the most positive energy to our lives? Should we keep individuals in our circle of family and friends because we "should," and that it is "the right thing to do?" Should we let them fall by the wayside?
This has been a very personal question in my own heart, and an internal conflict that has been battling a bit within my soul for the pure reason that: I fear loss, as most of us do. Sometimes as cancer patients we believe that we don't deserve the best, that by some unfair means because we are sick we should settle or appreciate anyone who gives us recognition or support, that we should 'take it,' in some way, because we have experienced so many people running for the hills in the opposite direction. But to me, settling, accepting an unbalanced, unfair, or just unnurturing relationship is not good enough anymore. We, the sick, are not any less because we have a disease growing within us. And therefore, we deserve as much as the next person (if not more!)
It has taken a lot of time, thought, and acceptance within my heart to get to this point. But I do believe, loss, is imperative on this path. And not just the kind of loss that other people choose, loss that we control as well. We are allowed to step away, we are allowed to make room for new people, friends, connections, love, and relationships... we deserve to do this for ourselves, because we still bleed the same blood as the next man or woman next to us.
And in the end, as much as it pains us or provokes guilt from our honest hearts. We not only deserve to shed those in our lives who have negative impacts, but we must. I realized now, as I begin to leave negative energy behind...new, bright, and lively positive energy surfaces in my life. So, we must. We must shed anything and anyone who causes pain within us. If we don't there will not be enough room for the ones we truly deserve.
If we don't there will not be room enough for the ones that truly deserve us.
