For some reason as cancer patients, dates and specific times of the year during our illness are so incredibly important to us. Looking back towards the day we were diagnosed, when our treatment started, when/if we hit our first remission, transplant dates. This in turn spills into big life changes as well, when I left this job, when I started this grad school program, when I started that grad school program ;) When I moved from Florida... When I moved from Boston... When I moved back to Boston... When I moved home, to good old Doylestown Pennsylvania.
There are so many endings and beginnings in our journey and part of our moving forward process is grieving over the past, so we are allowed to enjoy the future. This November, marks two incredibly brutal, life-changing, euphoric, challenging, progressive, loving and memorable years. Two Novembers ago at 87lbs I made the decision to leave Boston, my Grad Program, my life to come home and be cared for by the most amazing mothers in the world. I packed my bag, and left behind a life I dreamed of. And in an instant I felt my future vanish, the rug pulled out from under me, and a life now lost.
Coming home signified that I was too sick. Too sick in fact to hardly shower, walk to the bathroom, or eat. Coming home meant treatment was not working, the disease was progressing, and an uncertainty of time, my time. You can ask some of my best friends how deeply heartbreaking these months were for me, as they became heartbroken as well, thinking they might need to schedule flights to come home and say their goodbyes. Their final goodbyes.
Two years, a life time ago, and a life lost somehow has been an entirely new life gained. I can not tell you how this happened besides the caring and nurturing of friends, family, and an oncology team that never gave up on me. But, it did. Two years later and in a few short months I will be graduating from this grad program, I am not only able to walk, but run miles. I not only shower, but I intern, celebrate life with friends, and eat, eat and eat.
We hold these dates so close to us, these months that symbolize pieces of our lives. We tuck them away so delicately in our hearts that we know when the foliage changed two years ago, or five years ago, or ten years ago -- we remember where we were, and we stop to take in the moment now to see where we are.
As cancer patients these dates, times, months, memories are so important and vital to our identity and to our souls because they are the moments in which we changed. They are the moments that molded us into the people we are today. These were the moments we felt the purest pain and still begged to be here. And these are the moments that although we couldn't do much, we had to, no matter what: continue to breathe.
And for some of us,
those few lucky ones,
myself included.
We still are.
Five years ago, two years ago, and today so much has changed that I could never even justify it with words. But for all the change, evolution, moments and memories, one thing continues to hold true...
I'm still breathing.
(and you are too...)
And this November I can't think of anything I am more grateful for, than that.
Sending love, light and tons of good health to all of you,
Wishing you all the most wonderful Thanksgiving.
And here's to lots, and lots of breathing.
xox,
B.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Texas Infusion 2011: Complete!
I finally received the much anticipated second round of texas infusions at the end of October and it was another complete success! Unfortunately due to my lovely partner having a stomach bug and some fevers, I took to Texas on my own -- and it went down without a hitch.
This is great news for the future because I was able to fly all the way down by myself without any big complications. Although it's always nice to have a caregiver by your side, it's even more wonderful to know that if push comes to shove I need to do this on my own again, I am able.
Once again, this trip in no way shape or form would have been possible without lots of key players. Big, HUGE thanks to my amazing brother and uncle for providing airfare for this round! And, huge huge thanks to those who donated other amounts that were able to get me to and from the airport, to the hospital, to the hotel, and back to the airport all in one piece -- while still being able to eat foods that I wanted :) Whether you donated 5 dollars or more, each penny that I received was used. Those who donated a few days later after Texas will be used for future infusions.
That is, we HOPE there will be future infusions. The GOOD news from this trip is we recently tested my ESR/SED rate levels and they are going DOWN. ESR/SED rate measures the inflammation in our bodies -- in this case, it measure my cancer. And in the past it's been indicative of what is happening with my disease. From May, during my relapse til September my ESR has increased 10 points within every month. This month? It decreased ten points. At the rate is located at a 43. Not bad, not bad at all.
Therefore we think this vaccine might actually be working. The game plan is to scan mid-December, and if it works? We continue to infuse every six weeks down in Texas. That means all of my infusions for 2011 are complete! What a way to end a year -- one whole entire year without any toxic chemotherapy. I could not ask for anything more.
A lot of lovely, wonderful, people have asked me lately how Texas was and how things are. October was a very, very, busy, chaotic, jam-packed month. And I have much to update but I wanted to just send a quick note that YES, my infusions are complete! I am feeling fabulous! I have recieved all of your donations! (which I will post a thank you to all the individuals this month, because I know some of you are concerned if your payments went through). And life is busy, but amazing in all aspects of my life.
It's been amazing feeling normal, celebrating with friends over things we should be celebrating about in our twenties -- such as one of my best friend's weddings that I attended this month. I hope you're enjoying life as much as I am, and can not thank you all enough for contributing these last few months. You all have opened your hearts and pockets to keep me healthy and happy and smiling wide!
And here are some pictures to prove it :)
Love and Light,
B!
This is great news for the future because I was able to fly all the way down by myself without any big complications. Although it's always nice to have a caregiver by your side, it's even more wonderful to know that if push comes to shove I need to do this on my own again, I am able.
Once again, this trip in no way shape or form would have been possible without lots of key players. Big, HUGE thanks to my amazing brother and uncle for providing airfare for this round! And, huge huge thanks to those who donated other amounts that were able to get me to and from the airport, to the hospital, to the hotel, and back to the airport all in one piece -- while still being able to eat foods that I wanted :) Whether you donated 5 dollars or more, each penny that I received was used. Those who donated a few days later after Texas will be used for future infusions.
That is, we HOPE there will be future infusions. The GOOD news from this trip is we recently tested my ESR/SED rate levels and they are going DOWN. ESR/SED rate measures the inflammation in our bodies -- in this case, it measure my cancer. And in the past it's been indicative of what is happening with my disease. From May, during my relapse til September my ESR has increased 10 points within every month. This month? It decreased ten points. At the rate is located at a 43. Not bad, not bad at all.
Therefore we think this vaccine might actually be working. The game plan is to scan mid-December, and if it works? We continue to infuse every six weeks down in Texas. That means all of my infusions for 2011 are complete! What a way to end a year -- one whole entire year without any toxic chemotherapy. I could not ask for anything more.
A lot of lovely, wonderful, people have asked me lately how Texas was and how things are. October was a very, very, busy, chaotic, jam-packed month. And I have much to update but I wanted to just send a quick note that YES, my infusions are complete! I am feeling fabulous! I have recieved all of your donations! (which I will post a thank you to all the individuals this month, because I know some of you are concerned if your payments went through). And life is busy, but amazing in all aspects of my life.
It's been amazing feeling normal, celebrating with friends over things we should be celebrating about in our twenties -- such as one of my best friend's weddings that I attended this month. I hope you're enjoying life as much as I am, and can not thank you all enough for contributing these last few months. You all have opened your hearts and pockets to keep me healthy and happy and smiling wide!
And here are some pictures to prove it :)
Love and Light,
B!
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