It's 5:30 am, in Boston. I shouldn't be up. But I am.
There was a post, in the past, in which I spoke of emotional baggage. During this three day process of moving, a part of me wishes, I could leave behind a piece of my luggage.
fear.
Once again, things are slowly falling into place for the fall.
loving friends in boston: check
apartment i love: check
job openings: check
me smiling for the first time in a long, time: check.
But this piece of baggage, is something I just am unable to shake. No one understands the work, emotionally, physically, and psychologically it takes to get to this point again. Believe it or not, this will be my third attempt to start my life over after college. And it is no easy feat. Trust me, I enjoy these things. I enjoy the high of sending out resumes and getting call backs. I enjoy, moving into a gorgeous new apartment. I enjoy my friends getting excited for me, because my eyebrows and eyelashes are in full bloom :) I enjoy it. But along with that happiness, with that thing in me -- that is life. Comes the anxiety, fear, and knowledge that it call all be ripped away in a matter of seconds.
Because it can. it has.
I forced myself to write about this, this morning. For a number of reasons. One, to once again show that once treatment is 'over,' you as a patient and survivor are not necessarily 'done,' with it. Two, my responses, when I have voiced my concern have been, 'it's different this time bek,' or 'they're positive they got it all, don't worry about it.' And I need to get more out. And three, I'm scared. Plain and simple.
I receive the keys to my apartment in a few hours,and it really should be a joyous occasion. But, something inside, is nagging at me. Not the part of me last year that said, 'the cancer is still in you...' More or less a part of me that is saying 'don't get too excited, at least, not yet.' I guess those are the feelings that are consuming me. It always seems, once I arrive at a very happy place in my life, things are ripped away. And so, this time, I fear, once I arrive there again... the pattern, the cycle will repeat itself.
I'm sure this seems silly, and obvious to others. 'Why can't she just get over it?' But after an initial kidney disease diagnosis in college, leaving two homes, two classrooms, and two lives recently because of cancer.. it's hard to just turn my shoulder. It's hard to work through.
Trust that there is a large part of me that wants to break out into song and dance, over the things that are happening in my life. But for now, I guess, I feel I must restrain myself in some way. I'm just hoping, I'll be able to exhale... at some point, soon.
<3 B
2 comments:
As usual, "right on..." I say this less enthusiastically than usual. My cancer has been "gone" for months and my prognosis is so good, but I hate it when people say, "it's going to be fine, right?" like End of Discussion, let's not make room for fear. I think the hardest thing to wrap my head around is being a "survivor" for life.
Isn't it amazing how there's room for so many emotions all at once? I'm psyched for the excitement of your new apartment and your exciting return to life...
My sweet Bek-
Do you know how amazing you are? How amazing it is that you even get up in the morning with the willingness to go through your day the way you do? So many others, myself included, would've dabbled in resignation at this point. Just gave up. Yet you smile, and count your blessing, and keep walking tall. Now, when you allow yourself to be human, you consider it a stumble. But it is not a stumble, my love, it is a beauty moment of acceptance. You are taking a step towards seeing it as it is, grieving it, accepting it, and then shining beautifully in the light of it. This is who you are. You have the peace of the whole universe shining out of your pours. You are not failing when you fear. You are simply being an amazing example of a human being. And we all love you for that.
Even when you doubt it all, even when you feel the fear and pause, you are still the beautiful amazing Bek we all know. It's okay that you don't know how uplifting you are simply in your essence, but never, my dear, doubt your divinity.
Post a Comment