For some reason, ever since the shift in treatment. My mind has been playing tricks on me. I recovered a lot faster than I had anticipated, which is great -- however, now I have a lot of time on my hands, and I don't want to seem to move.
I've been in these ruts before. I'm tired. I don't know if I can move on to the next treatment. I realize this is a situational depression. I self destruct in a way, that I hate to admit. I cut myself off from friends, or push them away. I overanalyze. Over think.
Classes will start the last week of August, and to be honest. I'm a bit terrified. I don't feel myself these weeks, as it just reminds me of two summers ago, recovering from transplant, building myself up only to realize that I had relapsed, again.
I think for a lot of Hodgers, SGN was going to be 'the' treatment to take us a little further. I thought, I had at least 8 or 9 months of stability to look forward to, now with loss of hair, and being off the trial. I can't help but be a bit angry.
For the first time, in a really long time, I have no idea what comes after this treatment. After the Bendamustine. I am questioning everything, and everyone around me. Which is not healthy. I have a wonderful support system, and I'm not utilizing it.
To be honest, I'm a bit sad. And, I know I have a right to be. This is hard, this is all hard, hard, stuff. And, I never give myself enough time to recover, REALLY enjoy things, while treatments are shifting. I'm a type A personality, I need to focus on the next thing in front of me -- and the unknown, I think is scary for everyone, right? Especially me.
I was exploring fears, within myself this week. And, I tend to have a lot... you take the normal 26 year old fears, and pair them up with chronic cancer, its frightening. No one should be allowed to think the thoughts I'm thinking.
I need to climb out of this hole, and this time, just trying to figure out how.
B.
9 comments:
I HATE THIS MONSTER! CANCER SUCKS!!
I HATE IT!!
WE NEED TO FIND A CURE!!!!
Wendy
Have you ever considered prayer? It helps me alot in moments like these?
Sending good thoughts your way. I wish I could do more.
You don't know how to climb out of that hole?...you just do it. We fall down, we cry, we mope, but eventually we drag ourselves up and just continue on. You don't have to be this super positive girl all the time. If you were super positive, that would make you really weird.
You just have to get re-focused Bekah. Give your body a little bit of time to feel better, and move on to the next treatment. When that one fails, then you just move on the the next. It sucks, but those were the cards you were dealt. All I can say is, don't ever give up. You still do have a lot of other options... RIT therapy, other trials, allo, etc.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You have every right to feel sad & fearful. Allow yourself those feelings....then turn the page & move on.
Karen
Dearest Rivka,
I don't know if it will help, but when I was sick and felt like I am climbing into the black hole of depression, I used to go to aish.com and get an amazement encouragement for life and to live.
Give it a surf...
Lots of love and kisses
Your Israeli friend
Ruty
Bekah,
admiring you from afar.... you are so brave, so strong, so insightful, and so kind to others. i am sorry that you have to suffer sadness and pain. it seems so wrong...
warm thoughts and prayers to you.. may God hold you in His arms and give you strength and love
Sending more of our Scottish hugs and wishing they were miraculous.......this depression will lift and you will find a way to move on, of that I am certain....allow yourself the emotions that need to be vented, B.....we'll listen, support, whatever you need....in the meantime you have our love - always......xx
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