This month I was losing. and I'm trying to come back.
I had too much on my plate. I had too much on my plate for a normal 'healthy' person. Yet, I continually attempt to live a superwoman life, trying to prove to others and myself that this illness does not affect me.
Well, unfortunately, it does.
I've been in and out of the hospital for fluids and blood. Not wanting to take care of myself as much as I normally do, and detesting that I have to be on a trial again, seeing my weight just slowly fade away. It feels as though all the hard work of my summer and fall, eating, and yoga-ing has just been flushed down the drain. I'm tired. I'm tired of traveling. My Hemoglobin is low. The fatigue is bad. And, I find myself just never getting enough sleep.
I hate to give into this disease, but I feel as though I've lost some of my spirit... somewhere along the way. I admit, it is usually this time of year, three years to my diagnosis during the holidays, right when the chemo started for transplant two years ago, and just about a year ago this month the last clinical trial whipped me so hard, I could not even get out of bed. The pattern is frightening, and the holidays are shadowed by these treatments, year after year.
The thing is, I'm trying. I'm battling myself, and trying to get into a positive mindset. Unfortunately, a lot of personal things have not turned out as I'd hoped (deaths, ending of a relationship, timing of things), and I am having to take extra time off of my internship because I need to really focus on rebuilding my body, eating, and drinking. Everyone else in the world seems okay with this -- except me. Why after three years, am I still insisting that I can do everything a healthy person does? Without any extra help, time, or accomodations? Why do we feel as cancer patients that we need to endlessly prove that we are the same as everyone else?
I feed poison to my body fourteen nights, out of twenty one days.
Do I get to feel weak already? Is it okay not to keep up with the healthy 25 year olds anymore?
Do I get to feel defeated and not want to DO this anymore?
It is such a difficult thing -- when off treatment, I am sky high happy and relish in the moments without chemotherapy. But, as soon as I begin a treatment, my mind follows the weakness of my body. If I am throwing up everyday - is this worth it? If I can't get out of bed to see friends and attend school or internship -- is this worth it? And finally, can someone please come here and tear up my superwoman cape because I am so tired of trying to be normal..
I would love any words of advise or encouragement, as I know I need to start thinking on a positive note or none of this will be successful in the interim.
Sending Love,
B
10 comments:
I think being true to yourself, honest wholeheartedly is the only thing you NEED to be doing. If you feel good yeah, if you don't, don't beat yourself up about it. You are strong, you've proven that. You are beautiful and live life to the fullest, you've also proven that. Don't pretend to feel other than you do, be honest and real with yourself and give yourself that luxury of pure honesty. It's all about the journey, the valleys and the mountaintops. HUGS
I will always think you're a fucking bad ass. Proving to yourself that you're a rockstar and that you can triumph in the face of adversity is totally important and one of the things keeping you alive... just honor the fact that REST is an important part of the equation for allllll of us mortals. Sending you a longer email. Sending you lots and lots and lots of love.
Hi Bekah,
I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult lately and that you're feeling weak and tired. The best advice I can give you is to LISTEN to your body, to brake when you need to, and to not judge yourself, one of the pillars of yogi thought, as you know. You are at a low point, try to remember that you have hit this point before, and that you will bounce back. Needing a little extra time to bounce back means nothing other than that you are HUMAN!
Love, Paula
Oh Bekah, I can identify with so much of what you're saying.
As you already know, there are no easy answers. But, as everyone's chimed in here, if one thing is true, it is that you are already enough, just as you are. Period.
Sending big hugs (and a cape stealer),
:)Kirsten
Just like your treatment cycles so don't your feelings. You're just hitting the emotional low that accompanies the beat down of treatment. You're lucky. You're strong because you know when to admit when you've hit the wall and to ask for help. My advice is to not do anything, you're loved ones will do what you need. Enjoy what you can while you can. Hugs and kisses
Even we healthy ones can get pretty darned demoralized, and at my advanced age (almost 59) one of the patterns I see is that it is the COMBINATION punch that knocks us low. Fighting a single problem, even a big earthshaking one like cancer, is easier - perhaps MUCH easier - than fighting multiple problems at once. Even if the other multiple problems are much less serious. So, I would ask you to look at yourself and judge if that applies to you. Your ability to deal with your medical campaign against cancer may depend more than you would think on some seemingly unrelated problem which is dogging you. THAT problem needs attention - you need to consider making that problem go away. By "go away" I mean whatever it takes to make it a non-issue. There could be hard decisions. I can see you are wrestling with your own Superwoman role already. Is that the secondary problem you need to solve, or is it something else? I certainly cannot advise you. But in my experience the key areas of life are always these: (1) my relationship with my most-loved person, or lack of same, (2) my income-producing work [job] or other productive activity I have committed to, (3) the place I live and whether I love it or not, (4) my closest family, and (5) my health. I'm saying that if you are being worn down, you must have a problem with at least two of the 5 items I listed, and of course we know you have a problem with #5 health, so which of the other 4 items is THE ONE, the big one, that is bothering you deeply? That is the one you must fix. Even if you tell yourself, "that other problem is SO much less important than my medical treatment, that I would feel guilty for taking action on it," don't feel guilty or like you have let yourself down. It is the "combo" factor which makes the secondary problem important right now. Perhaps you need to realize that it is every bit as important as the health issue itself, in the long run. This is the method I use for myself when I get close to the end of my own rope. There is always a secondary or tertiary problem which can be dealt with to give me the head space to work on my major issues, and once I put it truly aside and let it slide, what a sense of relief I feel, and improved ability to deal with the really big problems at hand.
A friend of mine, a student of Buddhism, often tells me to stop being a "human doing" and take time to be a "human being". Just be.
That makes sense to me for all of us - but it is hard to do. I wrote it down and put it up by my computer so I would be reminded that it's OK to just be sometimes.
When you are feeling down and weak - thank your body for hanging in there, in spite of all the poison it is taking in and the assult of the cancer - how remarkable your body is that, even though weaken, your heart beats, your lungs breath - thank each of them - sincere gratitude for their strength to keep going and housing the you that is your spirit, your mind, your essense. Your beauty.
Linda (Darcy's Mom)
Dear Bekah,
You have been on my mind ever since I read your blog this morning. Your candid reflection on your current experience brings out an element of reality that is an intense and challenging place to be, as I can only imagine. It seems to me that you do and have so much, for any human being, even a healthy human being. You are so beautiful and strong. At the same time, I feel that there is nothing in the world wrong with slowing down if and when you need to!! Of course you should honor your body and psyche by giving it rest when it asks. Rest is a good thing. A simplistic response, but I guess my point is to say hi, I love you, and you are amazing. And I hope you feel better, Bekah!!
Oh Bekah. No words of wisdom, just telling you that I know how you feel. Same here. I guess there's nothing we can do - we just have to push forward, because we don't have an alternative. I tore up my superwoman cape long ago. I am weak and I admit it.
Here's a weak hug coming from me to you - I can't squeeze you much with me weak arms. Gosh, I wish I knew magic.
Love, Marsha
Been thinking about you a lot, girl. Miss hearing about you/from you. Sending LOVE. xoxo
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