There ain't any candle left -

Warning:
MAJOR KEVETCH:

Although I am incredibly, incredibly grateful for all of the things in my life. I seem to have been burning the candle at both ends, hard, and fast -- and lo and behold. There ain't no candle left to burn at some moments.

So, for the things that I'm grateful for and those that I'm struggling with in this new trial and this time of my life. I thought I'd share, because although most of my life I would like to think are rainbows and butterflies. It can be rough. We all know it. So here is the realist in me, coming out. It's important for other people who are survivors to know that even though you have a positive outlook most of the time. You're allowed to kevetch -- this is hard stuff, and... it's exhausting.

Things I struggle with:

- I need, NEED sleep. If someone let me sleep for an entire month, I would. The exhaustion of traveling, handing in papers, going to class, and being responsible for clients and internship is a never ending battle -- there is no end. Although the semester ends in a few weeks. I continue the internship with extra hours (the internship I LOVE) well through my winter break and through June.  If you've been in the mental health field you know how much this takes out of you. I hate to admit I'm a bit burnt out with only four months in... but, I know now, I did not pace myself well enough. And I'm paying for it at the moment.

- I don't see any type of break. Like a good solid two week break of no class, no papers, no treatment/travel, no clients, no internship, no responsibility. It's not there, I'm not sure if it'll ever be there again (which scares me.) I know I'll be in this internship though a good portion of the summer, and three summer classes... with treatment? I just don't see any time to recover, to bounce back one hundred percent. I'm grappling to find ways to rejuvinate myself, to get myself going again, to recharge myself. I feel as though I lost my battery and no one can seem to find the another one to put in me, so I'm running on fumes until I figure it out.


- I don't have enough hours in the day. Between traveling for treatment, heading to one part of the city for internship and other for school at night.. I'm lucky if I eat, let alone see friends, enjoy yoga, or relax. Where is my free time?

- I've lost my fire. I'm going hard. I'm the first one to admit this. But all the while, when people ask me if I'm doing what I love, there is a hesitancy in my voice. I remember this phase, the phase when I student taught five days a week and had classes at night and knew this would be the most work I'd have to do at the same time in my life. I'm at this point now in my degree. Stretched between the real work and the classroom work and knowing that I will never have THIS much on my plate again, but wondering, how the hell do I get through this? It's like you're being stretched in 5 different areas between four professors, groups for class work, supervisors, clients, co-workers, it's insane. I'm not sure how people truly function in this kinda of twenty-four hour work mode.

- I haven't learned how to leave work, at work. Or school at school. I'm thinking too much. And my body craves yoga and is threatening to end my life if I don't return to the studio some time soon -- but when? When will there be time?

- To top everything off, and most of the underlying sadness and exhaustion is from losing people. These last few months we did not only lost Eric and Adrienne, but my uncle suddenly passed away, leaving behind my five young cousins, his wife and the rest of our family.  And this month is a year from when my dear friend Scott Reeder (another Cancer survivor) passed away... thinking of those memories. It's all very difficult. And although I thought I gave myself some time? To grieve it was not nearly enough. It's all catching up with me. Which makes complaining, burn inside me -- because, at least I'm here. At least I have room to complain, right?

Grateful:

I am basically grateful that I get to complain about all of these things. I'm grateful that I'm complaining about a busy schedule opposed to no schedule, that I have clients opposed to no clients. That I am having a life aside from my illness. This irritating illness that sucks out so much energy from me I wish I could strangle it. I hate coming to a certain point of the day, knowing I have nothing left because of fatigue, low, energy, or that I haven't kept myself hydrated enough. I hate how I can't make time for friends, because eating and sleeping are more important right now.

Above all, I'm grateful that I am a type-A perfectionist who thinks I should be able to do all of this without any excuses, extensions or help. I know I wouldn't be this far without my stubborn-ness.

I am grateful for my family, friends, and general loves of my life who understand me and don't need to push any further because they know all of this would come out... if they did. And it's better to keep it contained.

I'm grateful for a new-found therapist who I hope can handle all of this.

I am grateful for lots of things. I am.

I just need a new candle, or battery, or something...
Maybe I'll get one for the holidays?

I guess I can only hope.

Sending Love,
B