Sweet, heartbreaking, tears..

There is no easy way to articulate this, except to be honest and blunt.

The transplant did not work; therefore, the PET scan from a month a go which showed two small nodes (possible lymphoma), has spread in my chest. And we are now looking at a fast spreading disease.

This will be the second relapse, and third cancer I will have to deal with. And, on every level that I believe that I still have some fight in me, I do believe I need to be realistic in this instance.

This week I am hoping to have radiology appointments set up in Philly, Boston, and NY (Columbia), to decide what specific form of radiation I should receive to slow the disease down. Radiation will last from five to six weeks. Which, will have some not so fun side effects. But at this point, we need to get the disease more under control.

In the 1960's Radiation was primarily used as a curative form of treatment for Hodgkin's. With individuals relapsing later with second cancers. It is possible, that radiation, could do the 'trick,' if it's done the right way. Or at least put me into a year or two remission. But this is all variable to how my body and my disease react. I have also had a friend who during radiation, their cancer has spread during this treatment. So, it is very difficult to 'hold on to hope,' at this point.

At this point, I do not see myself at an optimist or a pessimist, I am, what I am. I have always worked better, when I have all of the information in front of me. To make decisions. That being said, I need to know where I will be receiving radiology, what type, and where the best technology is to provide me with this care. Every detail, at this point, matters.

If I decided against any type of treatment, my time here, with all of you would be close to seven or eight months tops. That is not to sound harsh, or hurtful, it is just the reality of the matter.

With radiation, I could possibly hold on to a remission for a year or two. I'm not the kind of person to hold on to expiration dates, I've decided to not let that affect me in my decision making. What will be more of a factor is quality verst quantity.

I would rather a shorter life, filled, with good quality and less treatments.
Then a longer one, in which I was on more heavy chemotherapy (which would not present a cure), drugs, and deprived of seeing friends, family, and traveling.

I hope, all of you, can somehow be okay with the decisions I've already confirmed in my mind. And know, that I care deeply, for each and every one of you. Who you are. How you've come to me, in my life -- if it has been through meeting in Doylestown, girls in Boston, coworkers in Florida, Professors from Wheelock or Lesley, you, yourself or family member being a cancer warrior. You have touched me, in some way, some how. And I have drawn my strength, from all of you.

The bottom line is, very very bad things, can happen to exceptional people. I have watched it happen. I have seen, a few of the most beautiful souls, leave this earth, way too early. And that is not to say, I'm headed anywhere right this second. That is just to say, me and all of you -- have fought, tooth and nail for a cure. And realistically, it probably will not happen. So we have to now mold our thinking into not hoping for a cure. But hoping, to do what I want or need to do, with the time I have left. Whatever time that may be.

I, again, apologize for writing such heartbreaking news. It is never my intention to hurt or cause pain on anyone through this process. But, I at least owe all of you that -- the truth, the honesty, and to prepare all of you for what is in store.

I will pick back up on updating more often, to inform you on news of radiation, the location, technology, and if or what we would be looking at if i choose to do a clinical trial later on.

Why do the fingers 
  Of the little once beautiful lady 
  (sitting sewing at an open window 
  this fine morning) fly instead of dancing?  
  Are they possibly afraid 
  That life is running away 
  From them (I wonder) or 
  Isn't she aware that 
  Life (who never grows old) is 
  Always beautiful and that 
  Nobody beautiful ever hurries?

- e.e. cummings

<3 B