Inconclusive

Over the past four days I've received a lot of emails and phone calls.

Inconclusive? What do you mean inconclusive...

wait. So what happens if it's cancer?

So the transplant didn't work?

In short, we don't know. It's unfortunate. It's a little heartbreaking. And, to put in bluntly, and incredibly not-poetic in any fashion,
it sucks. But it is, what it is, and we have to deal with it.
So I will give you the facts. Because, that is all I have. No answers, at the moment. Just facts.

Once again, a PET scan measures the metabolic activity going on in your body. When things 'light up' it usually signals to the lovely oncologists that it's cancer. Although, we have wonderful technology and a great learning of science. We have to accept, that nothing is perfect. And that's where my PET scan falls under.

Inconclusive. not sure. gray area. unable to tell.

Two nodes lit up in my chest. This would usually mean, the transplant did not work, it is cancer, and we have to take the next steps -- whatever they may be. Treatment, or not. Accept it, and move on. However, this PET scan was not 'hot.' Meaning, when you have a PET scan you measure metabolic activity by SUV levels. It's all based off a scale. Usually numbers 3-11 are red flags for cancer.

My numbers were 2.4 and 2.6

This could mean these nodes are:

a) infected
b) reacting oddly from transplant, giving off a false positive PET scan
c) nothing at all

or

d) the beginning stages of my disease: cancer.

The thing is, we just don't know. I am incredibly humbled that people are worried, and are expressing their worries through asking even more questions. But the fact of the matter is, nothing is perfect, neither you, nor i, nor science. And, this PET scan is in a very gray area.

A lot of times in life, we want a beautiful happy ending. We want to wrap up things in a nice box, with a nice bow, and move on. Most, are lucky if life works this way. But for some, there can be quite a detour. I have been in a holding pattern for almost two years, fighting this disease and putting the rest of my life on hold. And this next month of waiting, doesn't really change that. I've been waiting. To move on.

But the world of limbo is not always a happy place. Caught inbetween, feeling healthy, the move, interviews, and wanting to move on to thinking of future tests, future treatments, possibly no treatment, and on borrowed time. There is no middle ground here, and the two options of cancer or no cancer are very extreme.

So, another scan will occur on August 21st. This scan will either show the nodes grew in size and 'hotness' or metabolic activity. Or, stay the same. Or, be gone. If they grow. It's cancer. If not, it sounds like I'll be cleared for another three months.

So, we wait. And in some ways, enjoy what we can. In every day. At least I attempt to.

Because, this could be absolutely nothing
or absolutely something.

for now, we just don't know...

All my love,

B

Today I miss: a world, when cancer was a word i hardly knew
Today I smile for: newly painted finger and toe nails



Today I am grateful for: Wullie Currie