Fork in the road

I had a wonderful lunch, with one of my professors from Lesley last week, Sarah. Although my days at the moment are definitely bi-polar. One day, I want to stay in bed with the covers over my head, the next I want to call everyone I love and tell them how much they mean to me. There was something, that has stuck with me from spending time with Sarah that really hit home.

She said something along the lines of, after you got sick Rebekah, I wasn't as hesitant about getting involved with people. (meaning students, other individuals, on a more personal basis).

It made me think. A lot. And made me truly appreciate the relationships I've created through work, and school. But, also made me realize. Some other things.

It seems when people get sick, friends and family have one of two reactions. One: They pull back, or cut you off. Or, they decide to get involved. In turn, as patients and survivors we have some of the initial instincts. We're scared, we don't know what is ahead of us. So, we pull back not wanting to get close with our old friends, or begin new friendships because -- we really don't know how much time we might have. Or if the treatment will work, at all.

So, when push comes to shove. A lot of people leave, and you as a patient, can possibly cut off some relationships as well (hoping not to hurt the people you love in the long run). When all of this movement happens, there are a few 'real' ties left. It's hard. And, I realize it's hard on both ends. Myself or you -- being a patient/survivor. And my friends and family, or yours, being on the opposing end of this shifting. Trying to figure out or attempt how to build, nuture, or create more relationships.

The bottom line we kinda think to ourselves is, at least from my standpoint is, what is the point? Why try to connect with people, new or old, when treatment might not work, when we might be on borrowed time? Why share ourselves with friends or strangers, if we only have a year or two left? Why not crawl into a hole, and not become close with anyone? Not love anyone? Why not, push people away? If there is no cure? Cut ties, if there is no future... why not?

In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure if there is a point. Life is utterly unfair. The good, don't always get recognized and the evil aren't always punished. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, if there even is a point...

At the beginning of last fall, I began my Masters degree in Literacy. Something, that is a true passion of mine. The class that has truly resonated and remains within me though, is Sarah's. During our first week of class, we created a collage. We were told to create something that tells the story of us, where we've come from, our passions, our lives, and what we bring into the classroom. Sarah went first, and described her life in detail. Some things she might not have shared with even a friend. But in front of 20 something grad students, she opened up. She got involved, she exposed herself, in a vulnerable and beautiful way.

And there I was, the following week. Deciding what parts of my life, I wanted to share. Hesitating for a week, of what to put on this collage -- my interesting family? my kidney disease? god, cancer? how my world was ripped apart, from me the day I left florida? It seems like an easy choice now. But at that moment, I had to decide. Should I expose myself? Be vulnerable infront of strangers? Or, do I take the easy way out. Put up my walls, and not let anyone in.

As women went in front of me the day we presented. I noticed something. The women, that exposed some of their most difficult times in their lives, not only took these obstacles and applied them in their classrooms. But, I felt... connected. I felt like I knew a part of them. And in turn, I wanted them to know a part of me. So, I did. I let go. I got to know these women, and they, definitely got to know me. And, in the process, I grew with some and became close with Sarah. Which is more than I could have asked for.

In turn, it brings me to another fork in the road. Here. and now. Limbo is not a fun waiting game. Everyday, brings a new thought, a new future, old memories of treatment. I am literally faced with two extremes from the outcome of this scan. A) a possibly long healthy life. or B) Cancer, possibly, forever. There is no handbook for this. And, as far as 20 somethings go -- not many out there have dealt with kidney treatment, as well as two rounds of cancer treatment all before the age of 25.

And some days, I do ask - truly, what is the point? So, I guess. To answer my own question. The point for me, at this very moment, is to get involved. There have been many people who have written me off completely, others that I've pushed away in the process of this illness. But what Sarah, and many others have shown me, is that its important. To get involved in others lives. To get to know people. To make connections. To TELL people you care about that you love them.

After this scan, I may be on borrowed time. In the end, truly none of us know how much time we have. But, realistically, I will probably have a better idea than most. And lots of things will change in my life. But, one, I know that I don't want to change. Is when the fork in the road comes to a head, that I take the path that leads to exposure. That leads to opening up. That leads to connecting with people. That gets me, involved with others.

Because you just have to know, there are truly, some beautiful, beautiful people out there. You just have to decide, which path, is better to walk down... for you.

- B