The world breaks every one
and afterward,
many are strong at the broken places.
- Ernest Hemingway
---
There is something incredibly devastating about this illness when you're going through treatment. In turn, it is something pretty obvious as well.
Cancer is not beautiful nor sexy. It is not attractive in any shape or form. And no matter how much positive energy, will power, and fire you have inside you. It is still cancer, it can still be depressing and bleak and overwhelmingly heartbreaking.
Any illusions of this form of treatment being tolerable have subsided. As this past week has probably been one of my darkest, in my life. Hence me not updating. Trying, desperately to figure out how to state, "god, I hate this disease," in an eloquent fashion. And creating the facade of everything being okay. Instead of feeling broken.
But, everything is not okay. or beautiful. or happy. I have spent the majority of my time either in a hospital bed, or in my own bed. I barely had enough energy to take a shower today. And, after low blood levels on Monday morning, I was sent back to Upenn for a transfusion. With a small break today, as we head back there tomorrow for a followup visit with Dr. Nasta, possible fluids. And anything else my body will need to combat chemo next Wednesday, the 20th.
Although, tonight I feel a slight upswing in my emotions. I begin, to feel again that I am truly back to this foreign country. The foreign country, that everyone hears about - but no one wants to go to or visit. I am back to being a cancer patient, along with all of the side effects. Along with hairloss, fatigue, and 20 pills a day. Along with the emotional state of feeling that this disease has once again stripped me of my identity and my world. Along with the isolation, and the sadness that you see, reading these words.
My previous words in entries, are still true to my heart. But I would be cheating you, and other patients and survivors reading this now, if I told you my strength and belief in the beauty of the world were the only things I think about. This week I genuinely struggled with how much more of this can I do, without breaking.. how much more do I have left in me, and this is only the beginning..
Cancer is dark, a majority of the time. But within each of us, battling this illness, there is an inner light. Some days, it is fierce and amazingly luminescent. Others, such as this week, it softens with the hardness of this disease. However, it's there. It is always there. We just hope, tomorrow, mine and yours burn more brightly than yesterdays.
- B
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Today I miss: getting starbucks in Newton
Today I am grateful for: anti-nausea medication
Today I smile for: hilarious words, from a pigfarmer.
13 comments:
Hey Beks...cancer sucks, this whole thing sucks! Do what you need to do to get thru this, if you want to cry, cry, if you need to laugh, grab a stupid movie, you will get thru this and you ARE strong enough.
Oh and you have a small start of entertainment scheduled to be in your mail on Monday-ish :)
XO
Dear Bekah,
As the tears are coming down washing my face with strong deep emotions I am sending you big hugs and all the love. Thinking of you all the time!
Sivan.xoxoxo
well
do you realize the pressure this puts me under?
i mean, fuck
now i gotta be witty
it is rainin now
but
the sun will shine again
i promise
j
Hi Bekah, I know it's hard to believe now, but it will get better. Adrienne had the hardest time on ICE but sailed through her SCT and I know you will too. Just try to take things a day at a time and know that it will get better. Lots of love, Alison
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
- Ernest Hemingway
Funny you should mention this quote. It is one of my favorites, although it seems like a far cry from the "invincible summer" we started with.
There is much that is ugly and dark in this world and sickness focuses all that is evil in the world into a small amount of time and space. Soon it becomes all that we can see, and we believe that all the world has become darkness.
I can tell you that this is the lie of sickness, the lie of cancer...just like the lie of love is that it will bring continuous, unbroken bliss, the lie of disease is that it only brings horror, pain, suffering, and death.
The truth is there is both light and dark in all things and the challenge of the present moment is focusing the mind to see those things- all be them small- that are good, that are true, that are beautiful. There is much in this world that cancer can destroy but it will never succeed in fully dousing the light of any soul that continues to see the good that is enherent in all things.
Be we never in darkness as long as there still be light to witness the good with in ourselves.
-Darrel
Sweet Bekah....you are a bright light of love, thoughtfulness and friendship to all of us. There is much darkness in illness and treatment....but you will always have your way illuminated by the love, support and encouragement of your family and friends. Because of having travelled this cancer journey you have gained many new caring friends through the forum and your blog...there is much goodness and light peeking through the dark clouds to light your way.
Thinking of you often...sending loving ((HUGS))
Susan
Thinking of you, dear Bekah. I hope the upswing in your emotions continues, and your energy level comes up, too. I hope things turn around and give you many reasons to smile.
Just hoping for better-ness all around for you.
Love, t.o.g.
OK - first task for you and D when the Hodge finally realises that it picked on the wrong couple.......join forces and with your writing, the two of you can put this sorry world to rights. Honestly, I have never witnessed such mature outlooks on life at such tender ages.
Draw strength from each other - sometimes it can be hard to see the strength in yourself but is easier to see it in our nearest and dearest..........look for it, find it and keep it safe........SO much love ..........xx
For the first, and probably only time , I find myself slightly disagreeing with you.
Your "physical" identity might be changing. You may look different, your hair may be falling out. You do, frankly, probably look sick.
Your "inner" identity, to me anyway, is so obviously unchanged. This is the only identity that matters. Your love and warmth for family and friends shine through in everything you write. You have the unbelievable gift of finding the tiniest sliver of light in the gloom of the darkest darkness I know oh so well. You have the strength to open your heart and let people share the beauty that you are and the pain that you are going through.
No. It would take something a bit stronger than little old cancer to take your identity.
You are Rebekah and I am so proud to call you a friend.
Lots of love.
Wullie
Oh, sorry I haven't checked in recently but know you are constantly in my thoughts.
Hello sweetness,
Your honesty is appreciated and welcome, always. Lean on all of us dearest. We're ready for it.
Love,
Jessica
Bekah,
I read what you are going through and it is terrifying....I don't know how you do it sometimes but I know you can and you will. It is just like you to put yourself out there to help other people and young women who are suffering from this horrible disease. I am so happy you are doing so. I have witnessed the bond cancer survivors and patients share and it's so incredible and supportive. Amazes me everyday. Keep trying bek i know you have some fight left...this is all worth it. love ya Laur
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