Small Victories

My sweetest friends,

• The last few days have been...

some-what of a battle, but I am finally able to eat whole foods and smile at the knowledge of your constant thoughts and caring positive vibes.

After being discharged on Saturday night, it seems that the staff at UPENN had skipped a significant step in lowering my pain, nausea, and other several medications from IV drip to oral pill. Normally, once being discharged off ICE they keep you (I assume) for a few hours, to determine how your body is functioning without the good IV pole (in which my mother now refers to it as 'Pedro). But, instead Pedro was detached, I was sent home, and my insides were not a fan of the 'cold turkey' method. Oral pills were not enough to keep things moving in the right direction...

Therefore, Sunday night - I was unable to keep any foods within my lovely body. Became incredibly dehydrated, and also could not contain any fluids in me, as well. A major cause for concern for any cancer patient. So without any hesitation, the moms and I, raced to Upenn where I was hit with morphine, ativan, benadryl, zofran, and oh so much more your little ears just don't need to hear it. ;)

Long story short, one of the drugs in the ICE regimin can be incredibly toxic to the kidneys. Without being hydrated, and of course past kidney issues, my oncologist team has proved to me in this phase of treatment- there is no fooling around. Thankfully, I was admitted right away to get fluids, potassium, and tons of pain meds, right away. Hopeful discharge will be Wednesday night(6th) or Thursday(7th) morning. For now, things are calm and we will begin tappering off the IV meds, to oral pills in preparation for discharge.

• I've been fortunate enough to have a few lovely visitors..

as I have now found my second home to be on ROADS7, in Upenn Tower. And phone calls, and emails of course. It oddly enough, begins to jumpstart my thoughts into what I want to do after transplant. How we should all celebrate, where I want to go and travel, the things I want to teach, my new possible passion for taking on a third degree later on in life (oncology nurse)...

In my own small way, I believe I have supressed these thoughts because of realistic outcomes of this treatment. I have definitely allowed fears of transplant take hold of you and I. And for that, I feel as if there is a reason to apologize. Restating statistics, allowing you all to know the survival rate or even the cure rate of this brutal process. Yes, the statistics aren't wonderful. But again, when have I ever fallen into the norm, in school, teaching, life, or the medical world? So a small part of me tonight, smiled about a small future. Which I feel is very-well deserved after my small feat of my first round of chemo. I truly believe you have to find those small victories. Tonight, this one is mine.

However, that is certainly not to diminish mine (or my mothers) last week spent within these four walls in the hospital. These last six days of my life I have never, ever, felt more ill, pain, or physically numb from the amount of sickness in my body. I have never felt as though my insides just weren't able to work, any longer. I just.. have never felt that weak.

And yet, in myself, a part of me knows,

I have never felt this strong.

As always,

all my love

to all of you
-B

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We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up...discovering we have the strength to stare it down. - e. roosevelt