The last two months, or even this last month has held so much change that I am just bursting at the seams. Not all has been wonderful, most, but not all. I feel as though the decision of transplant has been a sudden one for most people to accept. Here I was paddling along, upstream, and my bone marrow started to waiver a bit in December. What we feared, came true. My anti-allo ways had to somehow be flexible and although I was quite the woman on most cancer boards and forums that said 'no allo-transplants! not until you've exhausted all options' -- here I was, making the decision to probably receive an allo transplant. None of it made that much sense. It took time, it took a lot of processing, I was on the transplant page first, then my family followed but the transition was difficult. An allo-transplant is something I wanted to face much later, and then came the MDS.
Truth be told, it was almost a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure I would have ever pulled the trigger myself for an allo-transplant. Why you may ask? Because of the risks, because of the friends I've lost, because of the complications. However, with great risk as most of my fellow warriors knows comes great rewards, this one could come not only with new bone marrow, a cure for MDS, but also, somehow after all these years, I could potentially find a cure for my cancer -- who knew. Who knew a second diagnosis would allow me to receive an allo transplant with my health insurance? Who knew this second diagnosis would push me into making an allo transplant 'okay,' if you can't exhaust any more options. Who knew... not many.
But there was one couple, who rallied for it. They rallied for it even before I had made this decision, that was and is Brannan and Alex. I spoke to this couple via facebook this year for a bit, before I officially met the bright, amazing, strong, ridiculously loving couple during a run-in at Doc O's. It was here that they infused me with the thought of Seattle, and Alex and I and even O discussed the many treatments Alex had been on, especially the ones where he hallucinated and goodness what he was able to see on those drugs! Somehow they laughed about it during that day. I kept thinking... for a man who fought HL for almost thirteen years, thirteen years, had an allo-transplant a year out, and had a set of twin three year olds, he had more tenacity and chutzpah in his one finger than I had in my entire body. His presence spoke positivity, and although there was still fatigue from the day (who isn't tired after a day with at O's?!), Brannan and him shined so brightly.
About a month later, Alex and I found ourselves in the hospital at the same time, same floor, but we couldn't see each other because he had an infection and my kidneys had shut down. You never would've known though how much he had on his plate...
At every corner Brannan has offered her love and guidance in fundraising and experience for SCCA (Seattle) where they, and I will receive transplant. At that specific day, during that specific time, Alex called my hospital room -- not to tell me how much pain he was in, or how he wasn't doing well, but to offer me support and to help me look through different lenses. During this week I was especially frustrated because I did not seem to have rapport with the doctor I was assigned in Seattle, I was mentally stuck. I was so mentally stuck and I wasn't sure if Seattle or their doctors were the right place for me. "You have to let that go....there are more important things to think about, you need to find someone who will support you, and move forward, let go..." I was so frustrated. Not only with what the week leading up to my hospital visit had involved, but also because I was mentally stagnant and I my gut was telling me something needed to change.
In that one conversation with Alex, where he hardly shared any of his own physical pain or what he was experiencing, he told me to learn what I needed to learn about Seattle, change the things I didn't like (even if that required getting in someones face), adapt to it, and go, get on the move, move forward. He believed, as another MDS and HL patient that this was the best scenario, and waiting too long for transplant was not a good idea. He and Brannan believed that this was the best option, best choice, they were vocal and they told me so, and I will always feel privileged that he did.
I did not know Alex long, but I knew him long enough, as unfortunately he passed away leaving his wife and two sons behind this month. It was a hard hit for those in the HL community, there is a hole where I see he should be with Brannan and his sons, and his Facebook support page (where you can find out information about his sons donations for their higher education here) showed the world, who he was through pictures, memories, stories, and the type of guy he was -- the the type of guy I got to see in only a visit and a meaningful phone conversation. And I can't even imagine the gathering at his funeral, it must've been so many meaningful, loving people that came to say goodbye.
It didn't take long for me to see what type of people Brannan and Alex were and are. And probably what their sons will be like, and everyone that they surround themselves with. These are the type of people you strive to be, you wish you were, you hope that you can become. They are more earth angels, ones, I never saw coming and I'm so glad they did at a time where I selfishly needed that push for transplant, to make that life-changing decision.
Although Alex is no longer here physically, I am a firm believer that spirits remain here, and we were connected if only for a short time for specific reasons. Goodness, I wish it had been longer, for Brannan and those boys. Goodness I wish it had been longer for his parents, and all those that loved him and knew him and saw him for years. But goodness, I'm glad I got that visit, I'm so glad I got that phone call, and I'm so, so grateful that I knew the type of man he truly was and continues to be for so many out there. So many he's affected, influenced, and touched.
Some might say, aren't you scared of transplant? Of course. But Alex, as always made sure to establish that all us as individuals are different, and that we all take different paths and make different decisions. We learn, we change, we adapt, and then we move forward. From anti-allo to now moving forward with this treatment, I feel him and Brannan around me, knowing that these earth angels influenced me in a way no one else could. If anything, I'm more determined for myself, and for others we've lost to go through this process and to be here. To continue remembering these warriors, to tell you about them, to honor them. They are the reason I continue living, the Adrienne's, the Alese's, the Eric's, the Anne's, the Marsha's, the Alex's.... their words, their actions, their lives are the reason I am still here today.
So we do what we have to do, despite it all.
We learn, we change, we adapt, and we move forward -- for ourselves, and for them.
Here's to Alex, Brannan, the boys, Seattle, and the future.
Love and Light,
Bekah
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