Just last week my kidneys were in shut down mode and I could not get out of bed, nor hardly walk to the bathroom, or have enough energy to shower. This time last week, I couldn't move. The poison I was feeding my body was obviously a little too much. It's amazing what a few days can do.
Yesterday and today have just been life changing. Although I strive for so much balance in my life, this disease can make it incredibly difficult; as at times, my body feels so bi-polar. One day I am cursing up at the heavens to allow me to have a pain free hour, literally just one hour. Praying that I would give anything to not feel discomfort, pain, nausea, fevers, ect. Then the next day, my legs carry me through my apartment, to whole foods, and on a walk in the park, with my normal chronic pain, but nothing compared to what I went through last week.
Today my house is now filled with a scented candle from my mother, hydrangeas, a fridge full of fresh food, and in my jewelry box lays a new beautiful, leafed-necklace I received from my partner, almost a token of victory after being released form the hospital. One which made me cry like an infant, showing how grateful and vulnerable I am for these last forty eight hours.
My body is euphoric when it comes to this point of relief. A point without drugs, without fevers, without hardly any medication to speak of. And just like that, from feeling like the shit on the bottom of someone's dirty boots, my body, even if it is only for a few days, quietly, softly, rebounds.
Normally, during these moments I call everyone I know and plan outings. This round, I am stepping out of the ring and have decided I need to take whatever time I do have and focus on rebuilding and not setting myself up for failure. I tend to plan, only to cancel, which leaves me mentally exhausted and disappointed. Finally, I think I am learning.
I write this post with the utmost hesitancy, since I know in a matter of days we could switch to another level of health. If my body continues to stay strong and counts stable, then I am free until the 22nd where I will be meeting with O to discuss next steps. But for today, the sun is shinning, I am eating, the house smells of beautiful scents, and I am prepping to cook a dinner for myself for the first time in weeks.
I've finally taken a breath, even if it is just for yesterday, today and hopefully tomorrow. Quietly, I am cheering, as I can no longer describe the essence of how good it feels to look at that pool again, be sitting on the steps, and just breathing. Maybe someday, I will get to the other side.
But for today, I'm just thankful to be above water and exhale.
Here's to small victories.
xoxo,
B.
2 comments:
So very very glad to read your last post. Keep exhaling, our world is so much better with you in it and that's for sure.
Here's to keeping you around for 70more years.
Chuck
I think Dr. O needs to throw in some cute pool float toys into your treatment :)
The flowers are BEAUTIFUL! I hope you were also able to get in some giggles and snuggles past couple days--those definitely count as plans in my book.
I mean, giggles really make most things better. Not everything--but, like, pretty damn close.
For example, I wore a scarf in a work setting for the first time last week. A couple people in my professional sphere know, but most don't. One colleague (more of an acquaintance) was super inquisitive and I felt nervous sharing the truth. Instead, I blurted out that I have gypsy roots and it's heritage week (I had big hoops on too---sigh). I offered to do a palm and tarot card reading then rambled about astrology. I am 96% she believed me.
Needless to say, I went home in utter disbelief that I actually did that---but it made my best girl friend giggle. And hoping you did too :)
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