Lighting the way.

Today has been a very reflective day.  Lots of introspection.  Lots of being in the present, yet past and future at the same time.  I'm a bit in love with days like these... looking back, being giddy about the future however scary or unprepared (or maybe prepared) I am for these next steps.

With all that has happened in the last few weeks between personal and professional obstacles, I feel that I am dancing to the final song at my own pity-party.  Maybe not pity party? But something close to it. Mulling over thoughts, so many thoughts.  But this morning as the clouds finally parted, literally, in Doylestown and the windows were opened for the first time in days, I am here.  Excited about what all of this has to hold, all of what I have experienced.

Recently there has been a rather huge debate if I would be allowed to walk during my graduation.  I am short one class (I complete this class in early July and receive my degree at that time).  And my school unfortunately has been unwilling to be flexible with a request to walk in May.  It is what it is... that is the mantra these days, and I am okay with this decision (finally).  However that does not take away the fact that I do receive this long, awaited masters degree in July.  A milestone I honestly never thought I would reach.

The last few weeks as individuals have been approaching me with those questions we all love, what are you doing next? Where are you going? Have you started applying for jobs? These questions have felt so taboo, so abnormal, so surreal.  The moments when I have been on this road before the rug has sneakily been slipped out from under my unstable feet.  The stop -- start -- stop -- start motion, the push -- pull -- push harder -- pull harder for your life tug of war has been so constant that within these moments of what are you doing next?  I am speechless (because the tugging has stopped, I am here, I am stable). However, if you know me well, you know that being speechless is incredibly uncharacteristic of who I am. And these next steps are usually some of my most awaited, anticipated and favorite pieces of my life.

I knew in high school where I would be for college, I knew before I graduated college where I would be working as a teacher, I knew when I was diagnosed where I would apply for Grad School since I was unable to work, and I knew when internships came around in both Boston and Doylestown for Grad school, the answers were clear.  I thrived in these moments of next steps.  I loved them, and secretly I still do -- it has just been so difficult to express them when there was such a fear that the stair case I was walking up could possibly crumble under me, at any point in time.

The last few weeks I have been completely stagnant.  Refusing to look at jobs, apartments, or areas I desire to reside in.  Ignoring the fact that I am approaching my last class of my degree, and focusing on all other things, except for what my next move would be.  Enjoying the present has been my saving grace, and I believe I have conditioned myself so much to appreciate the now, to be grateful in every moment, that the future, the excitement and anticipation of new challenges, opportunities, and a life never felt within reach.

But here we are,
and although I can't quite believe it --
It's here.

Today, and this week I finally started exhaling the present, the moments of open windows, sunshine, fresh laundry, a home cooked meal, being in the now and inhaled the possibility of next year. Inhaled the possibility of living in New Jersey, or New York, or Connecticut, inhaled the option of counseling children, college students or trauma survivors, inhaled the knowledge of new chapters, new adventures with my love, my family, my dear friends.  And inhaled the realization that ready or not, I am about to step into a world that I have awaited five long years for.

So it is days like these, my loves.  That inspire me to write, to record, to acknowledge that this was the moment so many of you have pushed, supported, and led me into.  It is the moment when you and I, myself especially, recondition myself from thinking:



look what I have overcome..
                                          to
look what I am about to do..




It is the ultimate, most beautiful, empowering thought --
and I am so overwhelmed and so grateful for it.

So, here is to days of reflection,
and to all of you
for lighting the way.

Love and light,
B.