Life-force

I began this summer semester in a remission, with one of my courses being Bereavement Counseling.  I am conditioned and familiar with clients who are alive, understanding and trying to comprehend the complexity and dynamics these individuals have with remaining, alive, family members, friends, and peers.  However, I wanted to delve deeper into the souls of survivors of lost ones.  I also, selfishly, knew this was a course I needed for myself.  I was ready to approach death (while being in remission), and as I see more of my friends pass away, I wanted to understand from every single lens how to make this better, easier, for the survivors of people who've passed.

But the cold hard truth is -- nothing makes death, or loss, easier or better. I could write you pages upon pages of how grateful we all are about life, and every beautiful individual that I have lost, or others have seen pass, but loss is loss.  It is hard, painful, heartbreaking, and unjust for most in the cancer world.  And to put it bluntly, I hate it. Every single warrior that passes, chips away a part of my soul and creates a huge hole for those family members missing that innocent warrior who has fought tooth and nail for their life. 

But what I can also tell you?  The individuals who have passed that I've experienced are more graceful, beautiful, and stunning than you or I could ever be.  There are days, when I think about Anne (who passed a way a little over a month ago) or Kirsten, Adrienne and Eric who in their moments of accepting death were still able to shine such a bright light onto others lives.  They, in my mind were a culmination of a life force: a beautiful mess of calm, peace, and loss.

Anne

In the last month, the Refractory Hodgkin's community has lost Anne, and as of very recent, Andy.  I have words, lots of words, but nothing I write in these circumstances ever seems to justify how I feel, or the pain that streams through the bodies of those living with a missing piece of their heart day in and day out.  So I wanted to share something with you to at least give pause to these two magnificent individuals

Kimberly, Calvin, Andy, Oliva

About two months or so before Anne passed away I sent her my favorite book Meditations from the Mat. The book encompasses daily reflections of life, meditations, the path of Yoga and Life.  Yet again, as days, life, and beautiful individuals pass by, I come to these thoughts that I shared with Anne during her last months.  The emails after our book exchange breathed life into me more during those weeks than at any other time this year, and in these moments I told her, she was in fact the light of the world.  Knowing that she and others who have passed encompass(ed) this passage each day they were here, and continue to do so through their energy and through their families.  It is all about choice, and how we day after day choose to react to what is in front of us.  Something, those we've lost have accomplished with the most grace I've ever seen and continue to see...

My favorite part of these time worn pages  is that I write down an individuals name that reminds me of the concept, theory, voice, or energy of that passage.  And this is where, when you turn the pages to Day 271, you will see Anne in big, bold letters.

Day 271

"Each one of us is merely a small instrument. When you look at the inner workings of electrical things, often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive, lined up. Until the current passes through them, there will be no light. That wire is you and me. The current is a higher energy. We have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, produce the light of the world. Or we can refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread" - Mother Teresa

Walking along a beach, I watched hundreds of little crabs digging tunnels into the sand. Each crab tunnel was the equivalent of my digging a tunnel twenty feet deep with my bare hands in thirty or forty seconds. This commonplace miracle was possible because it was necessary. If crabs are going to get by in this world, they are going to have to possess that much strength, that much life-force -- and so they have it. Life force is like that -- ubiquitous and inexhaustible. Nothing is impossible for those who have it. The root of the word pranayama is prana, or life force. What we call a miracle is often imply the presence of a little extra prana. 

Prana does not differentiate between good and bad; we do. Prana simply is. It infuses the mouse with the ability to run, and it infuses the hawk with the ability to fly swiftly. It is up to each of us to make proper use of the prana available to us. Most of us have been unconsciously minimizing the amount of prana we channel into our lives because we are afraid of what we might do with all that life force if we had it. This is why surrendering to goodness is so important. Once we surrender, we can get on with the business of being magnificent, trusting that we will be guided by a higher power along the way. As we practice pranayama, we are learning to open up our energy channels. We're saying we are ready to be the 'light of the world.'  

To Anne, and her amazing, joyous family, I continue to send you all love, and think of Anne every single day that goes by. To Andy, Kimberly, Calvin, and Olivia, I send you strength, comfort, and love during these difficult days.

We all, the HL community, and others hold Anne and Andy in our hearts.
To these families, and you, today I wish you a little extra Prana in your days and days to follow.

Love and Light,
B.