And just like dust, I rise.

There have been various reactions to the recent news of relapse, and I just wanted to write a bit before I head down to Texas to receive my EBV + Vaccine through Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.

(EBV+ Vaccine: on ClinicalTrials.gov: click here)

To be honest, after returning from friends in CT after Memorial Day weekend, I was in a definite 'funk' from receiving the news, letting it set in, and digesting it.  I don't want any other cancer warrior to think I am bubbly and optimistic twenty four seven even after receiving such disappointing news.  There is a huge difference between being 'happy' and being 'grateful.'  The gratefulness piece is always in me. Always.  However, it was tough to get out of bed the last few days and to look at the bright side of things when the reality that more treatment (if this vaccine doesn't do the job) will continue in the future.  I think it's important for those that are ill or receive hard news, that we are still gentle with ourselves.  In the beginning I used to repress these feelings and ignore them, realizing they would only come out later to bite me in the butt.  Now, if I feel down for a few days, I let myself.  Usually after a week or two, I find myself back on my feet again and moving.  I am no superwoman -- none of us are, so I believe its truly important to let yourself 'be' in these types of situations. 

Next, there have been a lot -- and I mean A LOT of people who are deeply disappointed and upset.  I do appreciate all of your words of support, emails, comments, phone calls and texts.  I still believe one of the main reasons I am still here is my network of close-knit family and friends and even strangers that shower me with kindess and love every opportunity that I'm in need.  But I want to assure you, that there are a lot of things we should be grateful for after receiving this news. 

So, beings another grateful list for you to view :)

• I feel incredible.  Emotionally, this is a huge hit.  But physically, I have NEVER in the last five years felt that I have so much energy, muscle, weight, and amazing health other than the cancer.  Everything else in my body is working like clock work, my counts are great -- basically normal, and this is something to be thankful for in all realms because if I need to face another four years of treatment or more again, I feel ready, physically. 

• I have not received any treatment since November.  Although I am heading down to Texas, this form of treatment is a vaccine, I am receiving back my own blood with a vaccine in it.  This is not chemotherapy, radiation, or anything toxic.  Most likely, since my next scan will be in September, I will not receive any further toxic treatment till October or even November.  This means I have just gone through one solid year without any form of treatment, a milestone if you asked me last year I never thought I would be able to accomplish or experience.  Having a solid year of 'nothing,' has strengthened my endurance, stamina, drive, body, and mind.  I am grateful for this year.  I am grateful for the break I had, as more clinical trials have opened as well.

• I have accomplished more in these last six months, then I'd say most would have :) I traveled with my three dear friends and brother to the most gorgeous place in the world -- Greece! And had the time of my life, I overloaded last semester and finished all of my coursework for this degree, transferred all of my classes and finished up incompletes from Lesley U, and now... once August hits, will just be able to focus on my clinical hours.  I have found a best friend in a man who is ridiculously supportive of me, this illness, and my family.  And I cherish every day I get to spend with him.  I have traveled more to visit friends than ever before these last few months, and am enjoy my first summer without chemotherapy since I was twenty one :) I have formed new friendships at my new University and re-nurtured and reunited with old ones in Boston. 

• I have very, very small disease.  And this trial in Texas has shown wonderful, if not the best results I've seen in a trial that I've participated in so far.  We are hopeful. We are hopeful.  I am still, very hopeful.  

• The remission. I achieved a remission: something none of us thought was possible.  Knowing that it can and did happen makes room for this possibility in the future with the right combination of drugs.  Remember: This disease is manageable.  Warriors such as Adrienne, Zach, and Mike have done/did it for more than ten years.  I'm barely coming up on five :)

• I look and FEEL healthy! 

 In all other areas of my life, things are going swimmingly.  So for now.  We focus on these positive factors.  We, I am grateful for all of these things (especially this good-looking, brain-ack family of my mine!)

In other news, I wanted to shift the focus to those in the trenches at the moment.  As they definitely need more of your positive waves of support and love than I do. 

• Anne, it seems is facing her last two-three weeks of life.  She has gracefully touched all of us in a way of speaking of death and dying that no one in my life has.  Her acceptance, and even her wit has survived despite her body deteriorating over the last few months.  Please keep her family in your thoughts.
• Andy, has ventured into Hospice.  And with (mother) Kim and their two kids balancing their lives, and this illness, I can not even imagine how difficult things must be for them during these summer months.  Please send love to the Keely's.  
• Mike, just as I have relapsed after Treanda (Bendamustine) has found out that his cancer has returned as well.  Mike and April now need to make difficult treatment decisions that compromises different aspects of Mike's quality of life and body.  These choices are never easy, please send them waves of comfort as they make these difficult decisions for their entire family.
• Karin is gearing up (after four attempts) into her allo transplant in NYC.  Karin and Craig have been awaiting this day for many months, we cheer and send large waves of hope and optimism that this form of treatment is successful! And that this couple survives a summer in the city! 

I send my love to all of you struggling, fighting, overcoming, in the trenches, surviving, pursuing life or treatment, and know I think of all of you, very often -- and lots that are not listed here.  Please remember to hug the ones you love, very tightly today.  And to attempt to see the gratefulness in your life, your loves, and yourself. 

I leave for Texas June 17th, receive my first infusion on the 18th.
My second infusion will be July 1st.  We scan eight-weeks, post second infusion (Mid-August).


Love & Light,
B.