It's nice to laugh again.

It's nice to laugh again.

It's so, so, nice to laugh again. That's all I keep thinking about these last few weeks. That, I've always enjoyed life, sucked the marrow out of everyday, and experienced such extremes of beauty and pain; however, as much as I enjoy[ed] life I have always been a somewhat serious, intense, person who loves to mull over philosophy, literature, social justice, and activism in any shape or form.

So, in the midst of these last few years and my core values I haven't laughed.  I mean, of course I've laughed but there is a huge difference between a laugh and huge, big-hearted, face-hurting, whole-body shaking kind of laugh.  And as of recent, it's been happening everyday.  I feel blessed and grateful that there are a few people in my life who have brought such humor and smiles into my world, that I laugh hysterically almost every day now.  It is a breath of sunshine that I have been craving for years.  And I have it.

And for that, I am so grateful. 

I struggle with talking about personal, personal things on here; however, a part of me feels sometimes my vulnerability lends itself to comforting others.  So, again, here I am, jumping -- knowing the risk of what I write could be a little bit too much exposed of my heart.  But, for now, I believe it's necessary.

I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful men in my life the last few years.  Rocks, men, who romantically and friendship and family wise who have stood near me.  From my Uncle Jay who would would and did in some ways, move mountains for me for me to live in a happy, healthy, healing environment, to my brother, Jacob who is one of the few people in my family who can just sit with me and 'be,' during the darker days.  And understand that it's okay... to not ask questions or push or prod on my emotions.  To John, my rock, my heart, who has witnessed my illnesses from the time we were babes and met when we were sixteen to now.  To one of my deepest loves, Darrel. Who paved the way for me through his stem cell transplant, and battled the last four years with me through our highs and lows on every level, in every degree, in every form and showed me how to love in a way I didn't think was possible.  To now, Richard, the man who makes me laugh my days away, accepts me, and has shown me that it is okay to let others care for me, spoil me rotten, and allow others to take the lead -- and it doesn't mean that I am lesser or weaker, it only means that I deserve to be treated in the way I treat others, and to be genuinely and selflessly cared for.

When you are faced with a chronic illness such as cancer many people believe (and I was shamefully one of them) that no one could every love you with this disease.  The uncertainty, the unknown, the pain, the side effects, the treatments, the traveling, the stress, the tension, the fatigue, the lack of energy, the dark days.  Who would voluntarily want to be part of something so intensely sad, unless they were there before the diagnosis?

I remember speaking to Adrienne about this.  A was always so confident about the fact that there would be men out there who could love us despite this disease.  She believed in humanity and was more confident in the male species than I was.  She believed there were men out there who had big, big hearts, sensitive souls, and the maturity to accept us (all of us).   That even though we were in our twenties, there would be someone who would see this disease as a strength, as a true testament to our character, wisdom, and drive towards our goals and life.  They would see that in us.  But I was always very skeptical.  To me if a man did not experience this first hand -- why would they want to be with someone with this much risk? How would I react if the situation were reversed? What does society tell us to do if we had a choice between a healthy woman or one filled with illness? (Run for the hills! of of course).  Would a man stay with me out of pity if things got too tough? Would I be able to keep up emotionally in a healthy relationship while taking care of myself physically? How would I give back if I'm battling a life-threatening disease?  Was it immature to think that I still want the same things, and crave the same things as my friends (a partner, kids, a life... for the future?) Was I insane to want this? Was I crazy, even during some of my darkest days during treatment thinking: I still want to find that counterpart in my life, a best friend to share my life with? 

With this disease comes difficult and challenging questions and we are all trying to find our way as gracefully as possible.  But all of us, whether we are healthy or not have these questions.  They are just more enhanced when you have this disease.  And it becomes more and more clear who you connect with, who you do not, who you want to invest your time into, and who you do not.  And to me lately, I have had a lot of clarity.  When before I thought I might be a little crazy... I can tell you in this moment, in this very moment these are understandable and healthy questions.  And, no I was not crazy nor insane.  I was and am normal -- and Adrienne was absolutely right (she usually was).

At this point I am only twenty seven; but, I have many more years to go... and although I have and have had wonderful men in my life who knows what the future holds for me or anyone.  What I do know is -- We deserve this.  The refractory kids, those with chronic illnesses, those with ANY illness, should not settle for anything less of what they really want in life.  No one chooses our illnesses.  We get dealt a hand of cards and we choose how to play them. So play them with the philosophy that we are deserving, we are allowed to want, crave, and desire, we are allowed to want more out of life and our futures. 

I strongly feel that young women who are dealing with this illness, whether you are hesitant to let someone in due to the fact that you had cancer, are in the midst of treatment, or are someone who has the experience of a chronic-life-long disease -- if you feel ready, and it is something you want: let them in. We all deserve happiness. We all deserve to experience compassion, laughter, love, friendship, empathy, and happiness.  It is our choice if we want to settle -- or to let go.

For me, I can safely say for this moment in time... I am so glad that I let these people into my life.  Life always comes down to choices.  And although I have no idea what the future holds, for today, for this moment, in this minute in time I am making choices.  And for me, I choose laughter.  I choose laughing with my entire body. I choose laughing my days away. I choose wanting more, always.

I choose to let go. 

I hope you allow yourself these same choices. 
Because, whether we are healthy or ill, we each deserve them.

Love & Light,
B!