Milestones.

If I could change the world, and pieces of our society... it would be our praise towards one another.  So often in our world we are critiqued, criticized, or told what is incorrect, hurtful, or wrong to one another and especially ourselves.  We are hard on ourselves as individuals, we over analyze our actions, sometimes even belittle ourselves.  Yet, this is recognized as normal in our society.  "I didn't do a good enough job," "I could do better," "I failed... I failed... I failed." It is natural for most people in our society to focus on the negative, or what we are/were unable to achieve instead what we DID achieve; however, when we praise each other for the good, sweet, beautiful things in each others lives, or even recognize it in ourselves... if we congratulate each other on small moments, or say "I love you," for no reason at all.  We are held in question.

This is the part of the world I wish I could change. If we say something along the lines of "I know I'm amazing!" "I know I'm strong," we are seen as cocky or full of ourselves, when in reality? It is just an acknowledgment that we are pretty wonderful -- because we are. Believe it or not. We totally are.  You included.

So one of the few things that I love, and hope to continue to do however fast, sick, or insane my life maybe is to recognize not only myself but those around me.  The people I surround myself with, truly lift me higher.  And with this being one of the most devastating years I have lived, it has also been my most resilient -- in the light of adversity, my family (which includes my close friends) rallied. They rallied so hard that instead of discussing funeral arrangements during the holidays this year, I am reminiscing about my moments hiking through the mountains of Athens, in Greece.

They rallied. for me. They rallied when I pushed them away, when I was impossible... when in my darkest moments there was no light to be seen. They rallied when treatment after treatment this year, I lost pound after pound, plummeting down to a bit under ninety pounds. They rallied when I lost people I loved, and I expressed that I thought I was next. They rallied when I told some, explicitly, that I no longer wanted them in my life (yet, they stood stoic, over and over again, until my light returned, and I returned to them). They rallied, and stood tall through my tears, my defeats, the loss of Boston, the loss of school, the loss of another past life. They rallied. And if you are reading this -- you did as well, because the support I gain from all of you, each one of you, is another reason why I am here.

I am here, because the people in my life are amazing. I am here because I gain strength from all of their lights.  In turn, one of the most beautiful things that occur in my life as well... is that I get to pay this forward. I receive e-mail after e-mail from others in the cancer community, or individuals facing illness who read this blog and in turn know that if I went through hell -- they can too.

It's important for us to recognize the good, the beautiful, when we triumph, the positives no matter how small or insignificant they may be. So, now as most of us reflect on 2010.  Here are my milestones that I wish to share with you.

Milestones

• Transferred/Accepted into another grad program in Philly. Not only completed classes, but received a 4.0, and a great love for individuals in my group therapy class. 

• First remission in three years. 

• Holy weight gain. 90lbs to 120lbs today :) The comparison is frightening.  And honestly, these pictures are a little hard to look at -- but, they make the point to other people who are facing illness, that you CAN come back. I promise you, if I looked like this only a few months ago...

Six months ago: 

 

opposed to, today:

 

 

• If you know me well enough, I have been talking about traveling to Greece since my sophomore year of college after taking an Art History class and learning about greek culture/history -- I can finally cross that off my bucket list, and now am even more in love with traveling then I was before. The travel bug has bit me, and I have no intention of holding back with Ireland, Scotland, Australia on the list -- and a revisit to Greece, with additional trips to Israel and Turkey. Don't ask me how financially I will do this -- but it will be done.   

•  Last year, I could hardly walk to the bathroom, let alone even think of hiking a mountain. Last week, traveling through Greece my friends and I had the incredible opportunity to sight-see, visit the islands, but also walk (a ton since the entire metro system in Greece was on strike). The trip kicked my butt, but in an amazing, amazing way.  From Mt. Yeserdes, to Delphi to the Acropolis, to Falapalos Hill -- these are the moments I hold close to my heart knowing, that my body is not only back, but able to walk 10+ miles a day, and LOVE it.

• Although this is pretty personal, I feel the need to share this with other young women facing cancer treatment -- Aunt Flow, after three years, decided to make a come back as well. Who knows what this will entail for future fertility or hormones, but god damn, it is good to feel like a woman again.  

• Zero, I repeat. I am on zero medications. From being on fluids last year for months at a time, hospitalization after hospitalization, discussion of what I would like at my funeral, taking twenty plus pills a day. Tubes coming out of my chest at all hours of the day. To now look back, and enjoy my morning cup of coffee and a vitamin a day instead of the trials of several medications from cancer treatments, side effects, insomnia, depression, neuropathy and the list goes on... I am grateful, and thankful to have a point of detox and not be on any medication at all.

• Nearing the end of course work. Between many treatments, two different grad programs, lots of classes/internships. Next semester I am putting away my final load of courses, then starting in May (2011) I will begin my LAST full time internship (that will extend to the following May 2012). Soon, this 60 credit degree with licensure will actually be a reality, after chipping away at it for three years. 

These are the pieces of me that are intact, and I am so grateful for all of them, however short or long-lived they may be. And as we venture into 2011, I invite you to be proud of your own accomplishments and milestones from this year. Attempt to look at yourself with a positive lens, and instead of focusing on the goals or relationships you were unable to fulfill -- focus on the ones that you've accomplished.


In addition, this will be one of the last public posts of this blog. If you wish to continue reading my progress, or researching different treatments on here, or just wish to follow for no reason at all (because that is okay too!), Please click here, and follow the directions. After February you will be unable to publicly view this blog, as it will be set to private. 

Wishing all of you a wonderful, reflective, new year.
Sending Love,
B