Work with me.

I normally have 12-14 GOOD great days. Yes, most are in pain. But most of those days, I have enough energy to do something fun with friends, eat out, spend time with the fam, or enjoy time in doylestown.

Today was suppose to be a good day. Yesterday was too. So, was Sunday.

I feel as though, I really take on whatever treatment side-effects/cancer side effects I can with as much acceptance and grace as possible. I adapt, I change my schedules, I do whatever it takes to make those good days, absolutely wonderful. I pack as many friends, family, and 'me' time out of the apartment into those moments as I can. And with 12-14 days, it's felt sufficient enough to endure my 7-9 bad days that follow.

But ever so slowly as each cycle has been going by... my good days are getting slimmer. And this week, when my fevers were not suppose to start till Thursday, they started Sunday afternoon. I want to look up at the sky and just scream ' Work with me here! Please!' I try to handle these clinical trial with as much ease as possible. But when I only get 10 good days, and 20 bad days. My mood shifts. A bit of anger churns in my stomach.

I've followed the rules, I've taken the drugs, I don't push myself, I haven't slumped into a depression, I've let this treatment take my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes, I've continued to lose weight, yet force feed myself every chance I get (not a pleasent experience). I'm doing everything I can, and this is what good karma gets me? more bad days.

This basically means, I have one solid good week now, and two lousy ones. It's frustrating, and the quality of life is now not nearly as high as it was, or needs to be. The chronic pain, is now an every day occurence. And, I'm not lovin' it.

Scans are next week, I've had one scan with progression, and one scan with a 'mixed' response; however, in my eyes it was still more progression then needed. My guess is I will receive another 'mixed' response (more progression); however, this time the big issue of quality of life, which has kept this trial going for me, is lessening. To me, this means it is probably time to move on to something else.

It would just be nice if something.. a good drug, really worked with me. So I can stop trying to live my entire life in one small week... opposed to a month, like normal healthy people.

I apologize for the rant. I think I'm in a need of a change, and most likely it'll be through treatment.

- Bekah