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In the last three months, the hodgkin's community has lost three dear individuals. Ms. Jessica Wentz passed away last week, and it is evident that there is a little less light in the world, especially for her two younger children and husband, Tommy.
Jessica's passing, and others in this last year, andmy own disease triggered some thoughts, that I've been confronted with as of late. At twenty two, when I was first diagnosed with this illness I was filled with anger. I was enraged. pissed. absolutely wrought about having a second disease before the age of twenty five. And, good lord, I showed it.
As the months go by, and I begin to meet, interact, or talk to other individuals who have had years of treatment or are chronically ill. You get the sense that they aren't too angry. I would always be baffled during my first treatment, when I heard cancer patients saying, "It'll be okay, I'm not to thrilled about it, I'm just glad to be spending time with my family..." I would look at them and think -- don't you want to destroy the world? Don't you want to scream up to the heavens and YELL 'I think i've had enough character building already?! can you pick on someone else?' I was always so amazed, when these warriors spoke with such calmness. Hardly any animosity... I was always curious, where was their rage?
Most likely, if my first line treatment was successful. I still would have it. But, after over two years (plus previous years of kidney issues), I've realized (or grown up, one of the two), that anger takes a lot of energy. I can see myself getting upset during my first few rounds of chemo, resisting the life of a cancer patient, enraged that I had to be part of this, I had to participate, because how dare I be diagnosed with a second disease?
In turn, it's definitely been a time of growth. Everyone knows I've got a little chutzpah in me. But, we, cancer patients -- or those found in the chronic illness bunch, we have to prioritize. We have to manage. We don't have ALL the energy in the world. I guess I bring these points up, because I felt, for a long time, that I wasted my energy getting angry. I pushed people away. I put walls up. I was mad. Mad at the world, for making me deal with this disease.
The irony of it all is -- the anger doesn't make it go away. And, it doesn't totally make you feel better after you've ripped your doctor, friends, or family members to shreds, because you are so upset that you have this illness. But, maybe we all have a time... that this shifts. I felt humbled when another cancer patient asked me recently, "God, you must get so annoyed that this is what you have to go through. I would be so pissed how much it messed up my life."
Yeah. Of course I am a bit annoyed. Of course, this is a bit difficult. But, in the end, the cancer, the treatment, the physical side effects grab ENOUGH of my efforts, enough of my energy, enough of my body, enough of my attention away from 'normalcy.' So, why would I want to hand over the rest of it to this disease as well?
So, the question. Where did my anger go? I can't say that it's totally vanished, or that I've matured so much in the last two years that it's disappeared. But what I can say is, the anger takes time and energy. And those calm cancer patients -- that don't feel like destroying the entire world around them? They make a lot more sense to me these days. It's amazing how many things you can accomplish, and fulfill when you're not enraged every moment of the day. And, I hope that this will be something you can all carry with you as well.
Because really -- could you even IMAGINE how much energy it would take to destroy the entire world? So much.
Well, at least much more energy than grad school --
and honestly, I'd rather be doin' that. ;0)
Sending Love, love, love...
B
9 comments:
You are inspirational. You are amazing. :-) Thank you.
Bekah...you've refocused your anger in a different direction and made much better use of all that energy. You have done an amazing job of continuing with your schooling while going through treatment. Keep up the good work and enjoy a wonderful trip to Fla...you deserve to treat yourself well. ((HUGS))
you are my Yoda today! Thank you for this post!!! -Dina
And yet you kept that anger hidden from view, for the most part, and instead presented your beautiful self with such grace and insight to the new world into which you had been thrown.........that takes guts, my dear - and just look at what you're achieving now - continuing your studies whilst inspiring a countless number of people......thank you for just being you..........<3..........Vx
I love, love, love this post. I understand being angry, but it only hurts the person who's angry. When you can let go of it, you can get on with life, and isn't that what it's all about? Can't wait to FINALLY meet up in Miami. Let's just hope it isn't too hot. Otherwise we might have to spend the WHOLE day in the pool or the ocean. Love, Alison
A post on Anger could not have come at a more opportune time- I finished chemo 6 days ago and, for some reason, felt this wave of aggression and anger that I hadn't felt during my 7 months of chemo. You're right, anger takes too much energy, but it can be a catalyst for action. I think I'll just take up boxing or something :)
ahhh let's just agree that we're both awesome. I'm always so impressed by every young cancer survivor I meet!
Dear Bekah-You continue to offer us all a glimpse of your life and your continued fight with cancer. You inspire all of us to be a better person, engage ourselves in living today to the fullest and to give our love to others. Keep up the great work. And yes, anger does take a lot of energy. Take care of yourself and we are here to support you! ..With love from Colorado.
Hi Bekah
Great post ... I always like reading your blog. I'm a NHL-er - in remission at the moment. When you take the blog 'private', can you keep my name on the list?
i needed to hear that
love ya
j
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