How do you live with chronic cancer?

Throughout the last few months, I have been thinking, carefully. About this topic. About the beautiful, kind-hearted , soulful individuals who fall into this unforunate category.

Recently, after disclosing my disease to a class mate of mine, in one of my grad classes. She asked me, so how long do you have to straddle between both worlds, the world of normalcy and the world of disease. When, would treatment be over?

And, without hesitation, I told her never.
Most likely, I will have treatment the rest of my life.

And I began to think, about this population. Knowing, I'm no where close to being the only one in these shoes. That, somewhere, out there, while you are walking the streets. Picking up coffee, dropping your kids off at school, or sitting next to someone in class. You will cross paths with these individuals, individuals like me, who are somehow fixed between two worlds, attempting to survive, to move forward, to live. While managing a chronic illness. You think to yourself, that you could never do it. You could even comprehend, or imagine, what a future of drugs, and tests, and needles could be like. Trust me, I don't want you to.

But, there is also something else that you could never comprehend or imagine either. The drive. The desire. The passion. To suck, every bit of marrow out of life. In a world where people ask, 'how do you see yourself living in ten years?' I want to laugh, at them, and tell them. That, they know nothing. About life. Or the present. Or the beauty of now. I want to tell them, that I know the secrets. I know, more, about this, then them. I want to tell them as they look at my bright blue eyes, curls, and healthy laugh, that they have no idea. They have no idea.

I want to tell them, to stop thinking of three months, six months, two years. I want to tell them, to embrace today. I want to tell them a lot of things.

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A few weeks ago, I had a dinner, with a beautiful couple in Ohio. The young woman, tried to convey how although she would never wish to have such a devastating illness, herself, or anyone around her, she desired this thinking. The mindset that everyone always 'claims' to have, but truly do not. The mindset, of living each day, till the last minute. And for every second within that minute. The mindset, in which we talk the talk, but trip and stumble when we actually attempt to walk the walk. And, its within these realities, that I realize, this is something, not many people, experience.

I live, with a cancer, that most likely will never be cured.
I live, with a disease, that might one day kill me. Or, the treatment, will kill me.
I live, with this, every day, of my life.
These are my realities.

I endure, pain, and discomfort, and instability, and honest to god, heartbreak, wrenching, tear-your-soul-out-heartbreak. From living with my own disease, and watching, for the last two years, and years to come, the devastation of cancer, illness and death. However, because of these factors. Because of this extreme. Somehow, my head and fragile heart creates another one, to somehow balance my world.

I experience pain.
therefore, I experience, beauty.

Just as my cancer, remains a consistent fear, during most parts of my life. So, does the love, that burns, deep within me, for individuals in my life. It is a deep, dark, secret of mine, but one, I finally wish to share. The notion that, I adore the people in my life, and love them, in ways, I did not even know existed. Therefore, I make it a point, to let, those people -- whether they be the sick, the healthy, or the inbetween. I let them know, how deep, my love, burns for them. Because for me, being honest, showing how much I care, and love, and adore others, calling out their beauty, their perfect uniqueness that no one else in this world can claim -- these are no longer my fears.

In truth, it is only cancer, I will allow myself to fear.
Which in turn, gives me the strength, to embrace
every day, every hour, every minute
and deeply love, every individual in both of my worlds --
as I continue to straddle, between them.

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Today, I hope you take the time, to hug the ones you love.

B