Keep Living.

In the last two years, I have waited. I have waited through chemo, through moving, through losing friends and jobs, I have waited. For a cure.

And maybe that is where I was wrong in all of this.

We always say in life -- live out each day. Live like it was your last. But do we really do that? Do we really tell people how much we care for them everyday? Do we really throw caution to the wind and do what WE want to do in life instead of being comfortable, do we really follow our passions?

The answer is, no. We don't. At least, I didn't. And I am still adjusting to the world of 'not waiting.' For the last two years, after each treatment, I was told, I would get my life back.

'Leave Florida Bek, you can go back after these six months of treatment.'
'Leave Boston, Rebekah, you can go back to teaching next year..'

So what happens, if after all that waiting? The same result ensues. You've waited, for better days. When there are possibly SOME days during treatment (now don't get me wrong, chemo is rough and horrible, so there are only some days) that could be right in front of you. There were times in the last two years when I thought to myself, "I'll wait til tomorrow, or next month, or next year..." to try something, to go up to someone, to call someone, to wrap my arms around someone, to get involved. I waited. For better days.

But the cure; unfortunately, doesn't always happen for everyone. So what happens to those of us where the 'cure' might not be possible? Those better days, of being done with drugs, done with hospitals, done with this life -- may never be done? What do we do?

For me, the answer to those questions is... to live. finally. and fully. I actually start to live. With everything I've got. I've waited, for two years, some may even say longer. For a break, of some kind. When the kidney disease stopped, when the cancer was over, when I could put all of this behind me, and start fresh. But, now I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, why didn't I live before? Why didn't I feel like surrounding myself with friends all the time, shouting out to the world 'I am woman, hear me roar!' Why didn't I say 'I love you, with everything I've got in my soul." Why did I wait...

This entry, is not as much for me, as it is for all of you. For those who are just starting treatment, for those who have seen pain and heartache. I was not ready to see myself last year, for who I really was, or what I thought. But now, I am starting, or attempting to change, a bit.

I've decided I can either, wait. For 'possible' better days, maybe a trial with few side effects, maybe a time when I'm not on treatment, I could wait, and wait and wait. Or, I could find the beauty, in the places that I have it now. I can dwell on the good aspects of my life. I can focus on what I do have, instead of what I don't have in my life. And be thankful. And grateful. And live, now. Instead of wait, for another time, a better time, an easier time, to move forward.

It is true, some people deserve a break. We think, once we've endured something as horrendous as cancer, the rest of our lives should be peaceful, calm, and healing. But life, can be awfully unfair, to really incredible, beautiful people -- trust me, I've seen it happen. What I find, and WHY I find these people to be so inspiring and beautiful, though, is not the fact that they survived, or got through. But that, they took each and every day. And did wonderful, things with it.

They lived. not only during the good times. But the difficult times too.
Something, I hope to achieve, in my life. As I keep moving forward.
Something, I hope for each and every one of you.

Just remember, we are still here. Sick or not. Ill or not. Weighed down with heartache, or not. We are still here, breathing. So, maybe we need to start acting like it...

Sending all my love
to every, single, one of you.
have a beautiful weekend.

<3 B future treatment will be confirmed by the end of next week, stay tuned ;)

Lastly: To see another side of Bekah, and get a little bit of a giggle go visit JessieO's blog. And her entry on September 5th. You'll enjoy her as much as I do, I'm sure of it.