Because he wanted to laugh

He knew that the days ahead would be difficult. There were questions to be faced and a plan of action to be prepared...

It seems that even in the medical world, when you attempt to plan things. And hold onto them, plans, preparation, life, can change in an instant. You learn that when you're diganosed with cancer the first time. You tell yourself, 'wait, this is not suppose to happen right now.' You're suppose to be living, laughing, working, enjoying life without pain.

So you have to overturn that thought process. You have to learn, when you are diagnosed for the second time, how to survive treatment, cancer, and live. While most people might hide or take cover during treatment. I've learned that I must take the days, in which I don't feel pain, or I am able to get out of bed. To enjoy them. To live and laugh and cliche as that sounds. To have a life..

He knew that he should think about it. He knew also, that he would not think, because everything was clear to him already.

However, when you begin treatment, and certain dates are ingrained in your head. You hold onto them. Tightly. For cancer patients, treatment and schedules are the one thing we do hold onto, at least for me, it feel as though I have some sort of control.

So when my doctors assured me, that this week we would head into stem cell collection on the 26th which would include a small surgery, and a collection of blood and stem cells. In which later they seperate the blood from cells and freeze them util I am ready to receive these specific cells back into my body (which will be my 'transplant' day). And it would take three to four days to then collect these specific cells. Completing this part of treatment by March 26th...

I felt certain. That this is how it was going to happen. This was how it was planned.
It was a set date. A date I could hold onto.

Unfortunately. I walked into Upenn this morning to see if my stem cells were ready to be collected. They have to reach a certain 'peak' to collect a significant amount for my transplant. The number we shoot for is 6. Unfortunately, for me and my family, my number was zero. To say that this was a disappointment would be an understatement. And with that comes fear, fear of being unable to collect cells after three rounds of ICE. In which, I would ultimately, not be able to proceed as planned for the transplant. Fears, that have not even been discussed with my doctors. In addition, I am literally kicking myself for expecting things to go on time, or as planned. As a cancer patient -- this is one of my biggest lessons that I've learned.

because the plan had been set long ago..

So, as the roller coaster continues. I sit here. On a Monday evening. After enduring my third round of ICE, blood work, and a full day at Upenn. To find out that most likely, we will not begin the collection process til next Monday (March 31st) . (We will go back in Wednesday (3/26) and Friday (3/28) to double check the numbers though, in hopes that I will at least reach a 4 or 5, sometime this week). This means, the April 8th admission for transplant will not happen til a week or two later. For now, starting dates are all up in the air, dependent on collection.

and because he wanted to laugh...

You learn an incredible amount of coping mechanisms and lessons throughout three diseases, two of which focus on cancer. I would by lying if I told all of you I was not upset by this news. But I would also be lying, if I told you I was not originally upset that I was diagnosed with cancer. And as always, we come to make a choice somewhere along the line. Either, spend your energy and thoughts, wallowing in anger. Or, take the time now, to live, laugh, and focus on the good.

When specific dates have been set for collection.
I will be sure to send them your way :)

All my Love,
to all of you.

B

He knew that the days ahead would be difficult. There were questions to be faced and plan of action to be prepared. He knew that he should think about it. He knew also that he would not think, because everything was clear to him already, because the plan had been set long ago, and because he wanted to laugh. - Peter Keating, The Fountainthead, by Ayn Rand.