You must be able to see the beauty in pain...

Darrel Hale , is one of the most stoic, sensitive, and profound survivors I have met along this cancer battle. If anything, I attribute my ability to form these thoughts from our long, lovely, conversations.

I feel, in life, we are able to see the pureness and beauty in the most painful and heartbreaking, situations. This beauty can consist of, your inner strength, the light inside you, the relationships around you, or something as simple as pausing and realizing for the very first time, how the sound of your feet crunch lightly in soft snow. The perfection of that action, the beauty, that you see -- that maybe not everyone else takes the time to cherish, and place delicately into their heart. But you are, you can see it. I can see it. I am determined to find the beauty, in this.

• Stage III Disease
  

Yesterday, I would consider was one of the most emotional days for me and my family. We had appointments with my original oncologist team who treated me through my first chemotherapy, my new transplant doctor, and a fertility consult. The news that probably hit us the hardest was that I am at a progressive stage three disease. We were surprised with this result, because of a recent, clear x-ray done in mid-November. We walked into the doctors office thinking I would be in the early stages of this disease since it has only had a month to grow. Apparently, not. So, we took a breath, a deep one.

Luckily, the transplant doctor, Dr. Sunita Nasta - one of the top transplant doctors at Upenn Hospital, does not seem phased by the status of my disease. She is a calm, confident, women who has had very successful transplant treatments, under her care.

• Infertility

Lastly, and certainly the furthest thing from my mind, but the hardest to accept will be my infertility as a result of ICE and BEAM chemotherapy. I still have yet to digest that one, and will probably do so after transplant. I do not believe there are reasons for this, but once again know that there are other ways to be a mother, that I will turn this negative into a positive when the time comes.

I believe, honestly and truly in this concept. That I, as an individual have the capability to find true beauty in what I am about to endure. I once again have the choice, when I look at these appointments I have the choice to curse up at the heavens, to wallow, to cry with heartache. Or I can see through the pain, I can see push myself to see the good. To recognize that I have doctors, I have the possibility of a cure, I have people who love me, deeply. I have a fierce, fierce spirit that has beaten the odds before. I have beauty in myself, and in all of you. And through all of this, I hope you allow yourselves as well to see the beauty in life, even in our time of pain.

Chemo begins: Wednesday January 30th.

-B

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Today I miss: being a teacher
Today I smile for: breakfast conversations
(airdales in red snow boots)
Today I am grateful for: my brother and sister.